Ranma Protecter of Nerima
by WFROSE
Summary: Making Nerima safe for psuedo-monarchy!
1. Tragedy strikes!

Ranma: Protector of Nerima  
  
  
Somewhere in Nerima...  
  
"You shouldn't be out all alone at night!" the man with the coat hanger hanging from his nose taunted, "There are scary and dangerous people out here!" He snickered, while idly flipping a large knife around menacingly.  
  
"Yeah," started the guy with the mohawk that had each spike capped with pink bow ties, flashing the woman a mal-treated smile that was missing several pieces of teeth. He spit on the ground and started fiddling with the thick chain he had wrapped around his arm, "there are crazy people out all over here!"  
  
"Yeah, you can get hurt!" the third man with a shaven head that was wearing his boxer shorts outside his pleather pants as a fashion statement, "And that would be a cry'n shame!"  
  
All three chuckled sinisterly as they eyed the woman, allowing a bit of drool to escape from their mouths.  
  
The blonde and extremely attrative woman who was obviously rape bait in unoriginal story setups like this, backed up while shifting her groceries protectively, "Uh, then, what would be a safer route?" She asked timidly.  
  
"Why, just go back about half a block, go left until you come to a small market place in an alley, and cut through there. It's usually pretty well lit and everyone's friendly so you won't be bothered too much. Hey, talk to tha guy running the Gyro cart, his name's Hiro, to that Eazy B sent ya, he'll hook ya up with a phat sandwich!"  
  
"Oh, why, thank you," the woman replied with a meek, yet gratified tone, "I had must moved to this area, and don't know my way around."  
  
"No problem, just be careful, alright?" the one named Eazy-B warned.  
  
"Feh, out of towners," the one with the coat hanger quipped.  
  
"I hear ya," replied the one with the bows. All three of then went back to looking sinister.  
_______________________  
  
Somewhere else in Nerima  
  
A redhead overlooked the city, her city, while petting her shaven pussy sensually. There was nothing that went on in her city that she didn't first have knowlege of before hand, mainly because it was her city. Truthfully, it wasn't her city, but she believed it was her city without a doubt, so that was all that mattered.  
  
"My city," the redhead whispered in that sinister way that lets everyone know that the one using the sinister whisper is most likely an evil villiness. The hairless animal in her lap mewed in reply, causing the redhead to pick it up and put its face to hers and coo at it, "Yes its mommy's city! yes it is! Mommy's city! Oh yes yes yes!"  
  
She returned to rubbing her box, the one that was next to her plush throne. Eventually, she was going to get a really cool and sinister looking table to replace the box. The redhead shook her head, now was not the time for petty thoughts, she was supposed to be claiming her city.  
  
"My city."  
  
"Ranma, dinner's ready!" Akane called out, as she climbed onto the roof. She saw the redhead, and rolled her eyes, "Damn it, Ranma! How many times do we have to tell ya to get that damn lazy-boy off the roof and away from here? You can smell it all the way in the house!!!!"  
  
Ranma turned a cold glare towards the impudent short-haired girl that dared be so cavalier toward her; didn't she realise that Ranma owned this city? "You're just mad because I found it before you!"  
  
Akane sighed, before replying, "Honestly, there's a reason the Yamatos were throwing that thing out!" Akane then paused, and looked at the redhead girl with a contemplative expression, "Uh, Ranma? I thought you were scared to death of cats?"  
  
The redhead paused in stroking the animal in her lap. Once it noticed the attention stopped, the animal turned to the redhead and mewed curiously.  
  
"CAAAAAAAATTTTT!!!!!!!" Ranma screeched, as she dropped the cat in fright, and tumbled off the roof.  
_______________________  
  
Ranma walked into the house, returning from her recent gig and flopped onto the couch with her butt pointing up.  
  
At that moment, Nabiki walked in, "GEEZ! Ranma, cover those cheeks up! No body wants to see your curvacious, succulent, bare, delicious looking and utterly smackable femenine ass; with your modesty only protected by a thin string of cloth."  
  
"Sorry," Ranma replied, flopping her cape down over herself, "I didn't take you guys into consideration."  
  
Nabiki waived the apology off, when she noticed Ranma's tone, "Another botched job?"  
  
"I really thought the monkey with the huge maraccas would be a great addition to my act!" Ranma sighed, fustrated. She turned herself over . She grimaced, and then reached behind her to pull out a blow dryer from her thong, "How in the world did I hide this in there?"  
  
"Don't worry about it, Ranma," Nabiki said reassuringly, "The men around here just don't know quality entertainment."  
  
"It was a fourteen year old girl's birthday party," Ranma replied, sullenly. Nabiki sat for a few minutes, unable to get the words to come out of her mouth. Finally, the reboot process for her brain finished into MandrakeLinux OS 8.2, and Nabiki continued, "Mount drive D:..."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"What I mean to say is, the girl was probably too immature to enjoy it. Don't let it get you down."  
  
Ranma smiled, "Thanks, sis, you always know the right things to day."  
  
"No prob," Nabiki replied, "But can you do me a favor?"  
  
"Uh, what is it?"  
  
"Can you stop gyrating your hips like that? It's... distracting." Ranma paused, and stilled herself.  
  
"I'm sorry, I... don't know what came over me," the redhead replied slowly and evenly.  
_______________________  
  
Ranma leapt from rooftop to rooftop, exhillarating in his abilities as a top rate martial artist. He looked down on the mere mortals who had to walk on the ground this morning. They were all grounded by their immense limitations; limatations he didn't have. Why didn't he have these limitations?  
  
Because he was a top rate martial artist.  
  
Mr. Jay says go to the head of the class.  
  
Ranma decided to revel in his superiority, and started to make faces at the people down below. The action had a certain therapeutic aspect to it, which went to offset the painful feeling of running into a steel pipe sticking up from a roof and racking himself.  
  
Ranma recovered quickly, reveling in his superiority, and went back to mocking the people down below, while paying more attention to where he was going. Ranma made a particularly grotesque face, when a couple being mugged in an alley caught his attention.  
  
His parents, it was *his* parents who were being attacked! To his horror, he realized the one attacking them was none other than the very theif he let escape in his brashness during junior high...  
  
**Gratuitous flashback scene**  
  
"STOP! THIEF!" The police officer, that looked quite out of place chasing a young man through a junior high school, shouted.  
  
Ranma looked up from standing on Ryoga's head while munching on a lunchbread, but allowed the thief to escape.  
  
The thief was well escaped, before the red headed cop got to Ranma,"Now, Laddie! Why you go and be lett'n hardened criminals get away, now?"  
  
"Sorry, but it ain't my problem," Ranma replied casually.  
  
"Let his future victims be on your concious, young laddie!"  
  
**End gratuitous flashback scene**  
  
Putting on an extra boost of speed, Ranma only hoped he would get there in time...  
  
::BAMN::  
  
Ranma froze, as he realized he was too late, "MOM, POP, NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!"  
  
The pigtailed boy quickly finished the iced cappachino he was indulging himself with at a closeby cafe, and ran into the alley across the street.  
  
Ranma got to the two cold bodies of his parents laying down and cooling in the alley, and fell to his knees. He failed his parents, because he didn't use his abilities as a martial artist. At that moment, he realized, that with great power comes great responsibility.  
  
"Mom, Pop, from this moment on, I swear to use my abilities to protect, so swears RANMA SAOTOME!" Ranma Saotome shouted, and cradled his mother's body to his chest. The pigtailed boy blinked, and looked at both the bodies, "Hey, you're not my parents!" 


	2. A Hero is Born, or is that stillbirth?

Ranma: Protecter of Nerima  
  
  
Three extremely inconspicuous men wearing pantihose over their heads and 80's style dayglow outfits, descreetly moved several boxes of jiggling glass, screeching monkeys, fat female opera singers, buzzsaws cutting sheet metal, those bloody singing fish on plaques that tend to come on at random moments even though nobody would admit to pressing that damnable button, and cottonballs, while trying to be unnoticable (that's why they were doing it descreetly).  
  
They were bad guys, the filth of Nerima. Even from the masked figure's vantage point, he could smell them. They needed a bath, a long bath. They smelled like the filth of Nerima. The filth the masked man had vowed to clean up.  
  
"Hey, yo, boss," one of the men with pantihose over their head started, "How much we gett'n for this heist?"  
  
"Pratically nutt'n," a second man replied, "We're doing it so that any potential vigilante could make his appearance by doing away with low class filth, while showing his inexperience that he'll rectify later on in the future."  
  
"I get it," the third man replied, "but ain't that kinda stupid?"  
  
"That's why we're doing this *descreetly*!" The second man answered with a superior tone.  
  
"Oh, can I have a candybar?" The first man asked.  
  
Just then, a shadow flew overhead that landed on the truck.  
  
"HALT! YOU ARE UNDER CITIZEN'S ARREST!" The masked male figure with a pigtail, wearing a red Chinese shirt with black pants demanded, "GIVE YOURSELVES UP!"  
  
"Uh, why?" The first man asked.  
  
"Okay, so you wanna do this the hard way?" The mysterious masked man replied, cracking his knuckles. He then blinked, as they each were wearing tanks of gas attached to home-made flame throwers, "What the...?"  
  
"Hey, it's not like we can get guns around here, ya know?" The second man said, and then aimed his flame thrower at the masked vigilante.  
  
::FWOOOSH!!!!!::  
  
The masked crime fighter stared, as the man ran in circles, on fire.  
  
"Told him he shoulda used the sealant," The third man wearing pantihose asked. The two remaining baddies   
  
"HALT!!!!" The masked crusader commanded, and ran around in circles in front of the two dumbfounded men. "OKAY NOW! YOU MAY FIRE!" The two men shrugged, and fired. The pigtailed would-be heroe smiled.  
  
"MIGHTY SPIRALLING UPPERCUT OF JUSTICE!"  
  
Before the masked adventurer appeared a tornado that towered over him, "HA! YOU WEREN'T EXPECTING THAT, WERE YA?!?" he shouted into the tornado.  
  
"No, can't say we were," one of them called out, from a distance that was slightly out of range of the cyclone. The slightly costumed defender of Justice went on his way, satisfied at a job well done.  
_________________________________  
  
"Ranma, where have you been?" Akane demanded, as the pigtailed boy walked into the house.  
  
"I WAS ON AAAAAA..... CONSTITUTIONAL! YEAH, THAT'S IT!!!"  
  
"Why in the hell are you shouting?" Akane asked, covering her ears.  
  
"For no apparent reason, I imagine," Ranma replied.  
  
"Whatever, where were you anyway? Kasumi was looking for you."  
  
"I was.... nowhere important," Ranma replied, while acting innocent.  
  
"Oh, so I suppose you had nothing to do with the tornado that appeared in an alley a few blocks from here?"  
  
"Well, the weather has been unusual lately," Ranma mused, "Have you noticed it's two degrees hotter today than it was last year?"  
  
"You're an idiot, you know that?" Akane replied, turning away to watch the TV.  
  
"And you're an uncute Tomboy!" Ranma replied hotly.  
  
"Jerk!"  
  
"Sexless."  
  
STUBBY!"  
  
"FLATTY!"  
  
"FRICTIONLESS!"  
  
"MAXIMUM VELOCITY!"  
  
"A..." Akane paused, "What was that supposed to mean?"  
  
"SOMETHING REALLY REALLY BAD!"  
  
"Oh," Akane replied, "SQUEEGY!!!"  
  
"Now, now, you two," Kasumi replied, cutting their triad off, "I thought after I stole Ranma from you during a moment of his weakness, saving him from a loveless marriage that results from his almost overwhelming insecurity and your liquid nitrogen frigidness; you would get along much better now."  
  
"You're right," Akane replied sheepishly, and then apologised in a timid and sisterly tone, "I'm sorry you Slutty man-stealing whore."  
  
"That's alright, you Mannish bull-dyke wannabe Bitch," Kasumi replied sweetly. Boith girls stood up, and hugged each other.  
  
Ranma smiled, there was true sororical love in those words. Just then, on the TV...  
  
"Downtown Nerima is being attacked by an evil panda! Witnesses state that it has an insatiable hunger, and..."  
  
"GOOD GOD!" Ranma shouted out, "I MUST TAKE MY LEAVE!!!!!"  
  
"Ranma-kun, remember you have that Funeral your supposed to be performing for at eight tonight!" Kasumi shouted out at the departing young man that was now sporting a black mask.  
_________________________________  
  
The masked crusador arrived at the scene, to find a fiendish panda eating whatever got in its path, "HALT, EVIL PANDA! YOUR DAYS OF GLUTTENY HAVE COME TO AN END!"  
  
Evil Panda stopped, and turned to look at its defier with sinister eyes. "GWORF!" it replied menacingly, and took up an aggressive stance.  
  
"My name? The masked crusader replied with a haughty tone, "Why, I am...."  
  
"[Well?]" Rean Evil Panda's sign.  
  
"Uh, I've never considered that before," The pigtailed vigilante mused.  
  
"[We're burning daylight, here!]"  
  
"Hey! Don't Rush me! This is an important event, you know?"  
  
"[How about Masked Pansy?]"  
  
"WHAT?"  
  
"[Well, you do have a sissy pigtail,]" read the sign, while the fiendish panda snickered.  
  
"How about the 'Martial Artist'?"  
  
"[What are you? Some kinda weirdo?]"  
  
"Hmm, then how about... 'AWESOME TAROU'?"  
  
"[....]" read Evil Panda's sign, before he flipped it over, "[You don't look like any sort of freak of nature to me...]" The panda flipped his sign over again, "[Just a freak pansy with a pigtail.]"  
  
The pigtailed pansy.... the pigtailed poser... the pigtailed protector of justice growled under his breath, "Oh yeah, well, I, MARTIAL MASTER, shall defeat you! And beat the crap outta ya while I'm at it!"  
  
"[Bout time, start'n to fade away from hunger here.]" Before Evil Panda could make his move, a mighty fist of ritiousness smashed into his jaw, sending him into a wall.  
  
"HA! GIVE UP NOW! YOU CAN'T BEAT ME!" Martial Master replied, striking an awe inspiring pose with his finger pointed at his advisary.  
  
"[Curse you, pigtailed pansy,]" Evil Panda snarled, and charged at its nemesis. The large devious animal met Martial Master, and attacked with a furious vigor. This time, the panda was met with the foot of divine justice.  
  
The Martial Master paused for a sec to consider something, "Hmm, something seems to be missing..." With a snap of his fingers, he came to a realization, and this time went on the offensive.  
  
"[BAM]" Evil Panda went flying in a different direction.  
  
"[POW]" Evil Panda doubled over from a heavy gut punch  
  
"[WHAP]" Evil Panda flipped backwards from the heavy kick.  
  
"Hmm, doesn't seem to match kicks well," Martial Master mused, while reading the sign in his hand with the word 'whap' on it in capital and bold letters, "Give up, you can't possibly win!"  
  
"[Oh yeah?]"  
  
"Yeah!"  
  
"[We'll see about that, pigtailed pansy!]"  
  
"WOULD YOU QUIT CALLING ME THAT?!?" The Martial Master shouted indignatly. Suddenly, the massive panda blurred before his sight, and our non-caped crusader found himself in the throes of...  
  
"THE HELL CRADLE," Martial Master cried out, as he attempted to struggle from the insidious attack, "What.... a.... sinister... move!!! Must... resist... earily comforting.... sensation...."  
  
Our heroe fought valiantly against overwhelming odds, but he felt his conciousness slipping from the insistant secure feeling that was smothering him.  
  
"[Now I have you, pigtailed pansy!]"  
  
"I shall... not... fall...so peaceful... sleepy..." Evil Panda grinned in sinister triumph, as his advisary fell into unconciousness....  
_________________________________  
  
Martial master awoke, and found himself bound and helpless, "Wha?"  
  
Nobody answered.  
  
"Where am I?" our heroe enquired, looking around.  
  
Nobody answered.  
  
"That was rude, leaving me here tied up and alone," The pigtailed crusader grumbled, before he was kicked in the head.  
  
"[OVER HERE, STUPID!]" Evil Panda's sign read, while the panda had an irritated expression on its face, "[Now, as I was saying, I have an evil and devious plan to get rid of you, do-gooder.]"  
  
"And what... sinister plot do you have in store for me?"  
  
"[See that pit over there? --- ]"   
  
Our Heroe followed the arrow on the sign, where he saw a pit with a trap door, his eyes went wide, "You wouldn't?!?"  
  
The panda chuckled sinisterly, "[Oh yes. That pit is filled with starving squirrels who will swarm over you, looking for the acorn I have hidden on your person. Soon you will fall victim of a terrible phobia that will cause you to act as timid and fearful as a squirrel! Do you understand?]"  
  
"Not really, I'm having trouble reading your small handwriting," Martial Master stated with a frown.  
  
"[Oh, my apologies, take your time.]"  
  
The masked adventurer read the sign carefully, before his eyes went wide, "You devious villian, you!!!" Martial Master exclaimed, struggling in his restraints.  
  
"[Oh yes. Now, IN YOU GO!]" Evil Panda tossed our heroe into the pit, and shut the trap door....  
  
  
What will our heroe do? Will he succomb to mind numbing fear brought out of him by hundreds of hungry squirrels? Or will he survive the sinister plot and bring Evil Panda to justice?  
  
Tune in at some eventual pigtailed time, same pigtailed channel!" 


	3. First Triumph

Last we left our hero...  
  
  
The panda chuckled sinisterly, "[Oh yes. That pit is filled with starving squirrels who will swarm over you, looking for the acorn I have hidden on your person. Soon you will fall victim of a terrible phobia that will cause you to act as timid and fearful as a squirrel! Do you understand?]"  
  
"Not really, I'm having trouble reading your small handwriting," Martial Master stated with a frown.  
  
"[Oh, my apologies, take your time.]"  
  
The masked adventurer read the sign carefully, before his eyes went wide, "You devious villian, you!!!" Martial Master exclaimed, struggling in his restraints.  
  
"[Oh yes. Now, IN YOU GO!]" Evil Panda tossed our heroe into the pit, and shut the trap door....  
________________________________  
  
Ranma; PROTECTER OF NERIMA!  
Episode 3  
'The First Triumph'  
  
  
  
Evil Panda turned a sinister Panda smile towards the pit with the trap door. I wasn't smiling because of the nemesis that was detained and being put through psychological torture of unprecidented scale, oh no.  
  
He was smiling because he had finished his game of solitare successfully.  
  
Once the feeling of triumph wore thin, Evil Panda growled, there should be much male screaming, and feral squirrel chattering going about. Perhaps the idiot's mind had been broken so soon?  
  
Evil Panda got up, and walked over to open the trap door. As he did so, a sign popped out...  
  
"[KAPOW!!!!]"  
  
The sinister panda was sent kareening from the heavy blow that followed the sign, and looked up in astonishment.  
  
"HA!" Martial Master exclaimed in victory, "You think such a devious trap could finish me off? Ya got another thing coming to ya!"  
  
"[How the Hell did you escape?"]"  
  
The masked martial artist smirked, "I'll explain it all the way to the city zoo..." The non-caped crusader rushed at the panda...  
  
"[CRACK!!!!]" Read the sign, as Martial Master delivered a devistating rising ax kick to the jaw...  
  
"[BOP!!!]" The sign said, while the pigtailed adventurer dealt a haymaker to the nefarious panda..  
  
"[HOUSE FOR SALE!!!]" was on the sign, when the champion of Anything Goes leapt from the top turnbuckle, and dropped an elbo onto the downed panda.  
  
"BANG, BANG, CRACK, POW, SHOOM, SHOOM, SHO...]" read the sign the Neriman defender was writing, while the panda began staggering to it's feet.  
  
"[BANG, BANG, CRACK, POW, SHOOM, SHOOM, SHOOM, PING!!!!]" stated the sign, as, Martial Master started to.... uh... isn't that a bit exessive?  
  
"[No,]" read Martial Master's sign. He then flipped it over, "[SMACK, SHABANG, BEDOW, SHUDDA, SHUDDA, WUGOOBA, RUPAUL, CLINK....]" The narrator stopped reading the rather elongated sign.  
  
Ah, I understand. Now that is exessive...  
________________________________  
  
"Great vigilante that society heavily frowns upon, yet for story purposes we will ignore that rather sordid detail," stated the mayor of Nerima, as he stood by the zoo cage holding a despairing panda, "We are honored for your assitance in bringing in this dangerous creature."  
  
"Ah, it weren't no sweat," Martial Master stated proudly, "It is my duty to protect the innocent. That is the code of the Martial artist; MARTIAL MASTER!"  
  
"..." The crowd was definitely in awe of their newest protector.  
  
"What kind of stupid name is that?" One audience member.  
  
"[I prefer the name, 'Pigtailed Pansy', myself,]" read Evil Panda's sign.  
  
"That's good, um... 'Martial Master,' the mayor replied, "But, one thing puzzles us; exactly how did you escape that deadly trap?"  
  
"Well, it was quite simple, really," the pigtailed adventurer answered, not even bothering to consider how they found out about the trap in the first place, not that it was important to the story anyhow, "You see, there was one fatal flaw in his design. First, I had to locate the acorn that was hidding upon my person. I accomplished that by frantically rolling around on the ground until I felt a lump. Then, I used my great martial arts flexibility to maneuver my arm out of the bind Evil Panda tied me up in, and removed the acorn from my person. Once that was done, I carefully divided the acorn up evenly, and fed it to the poor starved squirrels."  
  
"..." the crowd was once again awed by their newest protector.  
  
"You thought up the name yourself, didn't you?" the same audience member that spoke previously enquired.  
  
"Now that my civic duty is done, I must take my leave," Martial Master leapt away, before the mayor of Nerima could catch him.  
  
"WAIT! How will we get a hold of you whenever justice is needed?" the mayor cried out. He deftly caught a package with a letter taped to it that read, 'with this'. He opened it, and pulled out a flashlight with a cardboard over the light that had the shape of a head with unruley hair and a pigtail cut out of it...  
________________________________  
  
  
The Redhead clad in a pelt of a lion, an oversized tiki mask, and carrying a spear and portable stereo, strolled back in, depressed from another botched gig.  
  
"Oh, Ranma," Akane greeted, while reading a magazine, "How did the funeral go?"  
  
"It didn't go well at all," Ranma-chan groused, as she set her spear down, and slumped onto the couch.  
  
"Well, I warned you," Akane chided, ejecting the tape from the portable stereo, "I mean, 'My Dingaling' isn't exactly something most guys looking for adult entertainment would find suitable to listen to during a strip tease.  
  
"Curse it!" the pigtailed girl cursed, at the same time pulling off her tiki mask and tossing it onto the floor, "How am I supposed to get funding so that I may buy my table, and begin my conquest of Nerima?"  
  
"Are you *still* on about that?" Akane replied in an irritated voice, "Honestly, I thought you would find something more constructive to do with your time."  
  
"Like your magazine collection?" Ranma-chan returned, slyly, "Exactly how do you sleep with all of them under your matress?"  
  
Akane grumbled something unintelligable, and returned to reading the magazine she had hidden in the magazine she was holding.  
  
"Oh, Ranma, have you seen your father?" Kasumi enquired, sticking her head out the kitchen, "I had to put his dinner up for him, but he's still missing."  
  
Ranma shrugged in response, "Haven't seen the panda lately." She then grew irritated at the thought that the fat bastard probably skipped out of town again to save his hide from some situation or another.  
  
"Oh," Kasumi replied, before striding out of the kitchen with a kettle in hand, and dumped it's steaming contents onto Ranma's head. The now pigtailed boy sputtered, as the water dripped down his face, and before he could make a protest, Kasumi hoisted him onto her shoulder, and patted him firmly on the butt.  
  
"Hey!" Ranma squawked, kicking his legs and beating his fists against Kasumi's back.  
  
"Oh my, I'm sorry, Ranma-kun," Kasumi shifted the weight she was carrying slightly, "Are you more comfortable now?"  
  
"Kasumi, I just got home!" a still lion skin enclothed Ranma sighed.  
  
"I understand," Kasumi replied, before starting for the stairs, ultimately to her bedroom.  
  
Akane rolled her eyes, got up to the front door, and started to put on her shoes, "I think I'll go catch a late movie."  
  
"Oh my, isn't tonight a school night?" the eldest Tendou daughter enquired.  
  
"Not like I'll be getting any sleep her tonight, you fucking loud wailing whore," Akane mumbled under her breath, "Don't worry, I'll be okay." With that, she opened the door, and walked out of the house. Kasumi stood there, contemplating what she should do.   
  
"Um, Kasumi?" Ranma hesitantly spoke up.  
  
Kasumi shook her head, and turned her head a bit in an attempt to see Ranma's face, "Oh, I'm sorry, Ranma, I didn't mean to keep you waiting." She quickly started up the stairs, with Ranma in a fireman's carry.  
  
"I was gonna ask you to adjust my g-string, actually. The thing wasn't exactly made for guys," Ranma stated in a subdued tone.  
________________________________  
  
  
A young lady wearing a green business suit, a green feather bola, and a green domino mask, sat at her desk, petting an emerald like it were a pet. She chuckled lightly to herself, for soon her plans will be set in motion. The reports of the sudden appearance of a masked vigilante would not effect them any, as long as she was cautious. She had schemed too hard, and planned too thoroughly for her next venture to fail, due to a bumbling do-gooder. She already had the perfect trap set for him, of course, one that had no fault she could find.  
  
She growled, as she was disturbed out of he musings, got up out of her plush chair, walked up to one of the walls of her office, and banged on it, "RANMA! KASUMI! AT LEAST BE MORE CONSIDERATE ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE IN THIS HOUSE!"  
  
She walked away from the wall, and sat down, while sighing in fustration. She recomposed herself, and went back to petting her precious pet emerald. Oh yes, there would be no faults found in the plans of the future ruler of Nerima...  
  
The Ice Queen.  
  
  
Next: The Ice Queen makes her Move! 


	4. The Ice Queen makes her Move!

Ranma; Protecter of Nerima  
  
  
  
  
Akane picked up the ringing phone, just as she was passing by, "Hello? Hmm? It is? Oh, okay. Sure, hold on a second," the youngest Tendou daughter covered the mic piece up with her hand, and began to shout, "RANMA, THAT CRAZY FOREIGN GUY WHO SLEEPS IN THE PARK AND CLAIMS TO BE THE MAYOR OF NERIMA IS CALLING."  
  
Within moments, Ranma arrived to recieve the phone Akane held out for him. The young girl walked off once Ranma began to talk, not wanting to eavesdrop on his conversation, "Yo, this is Ranma Saotome."  
  
"[Hmm? Oh, I'm afraid I was looking for the Martial Master. Sorry to have disturbed you.]"  
  
"NO, WAIT!" Ranma interjected, just before the other man hung up. Ranma quickly switched to his 'Martial Master' voice, "D-did I say 'Ranma'? I meant to say, uh, er, Martial Master! I... apologise for the confusion."  
  
"[Oh, it's no bother, really.]"  
  
"I am curious, fair mayor of our noble district; how were you able to get ahold of this number?" the pigtailed crusader enquired, curiously.   
  
"[Well, it was on the stationary that you wrote this note on for the Martial Master signal. It has a number and address and header of One Nabiki Tendou.]"  
  
"You owe me fourteen yen for that paper, Ranma," Nabiki said idly, as she walked by, licking a popcicle. An orange flavor popcicle. An orange flavor popcicle made with real fruit juice. Nabiki actually dislikes orange, but it was the only one left.  
  
Martial Master glared at the girl, as she walked upstairs, and turned back to the conversation, "Speaking of the Martial Master Signal, why didn't you use that?"  
  
"[We HAVE been for the past four hours!]" the man at the other end stated, "[I'm afraid it's not very effective in the daylight. Perhaps you have something that requires a larger power consumption? Anyhow, time is of the essence.]"  
  
"Of course, mayor, what seems to be the problem?'  
  
"[Come to Nerima Federal Bank, and I'll explain there.]"  
  
Martial Master stood up straight and saluted, "I'm on my way..."  
____________________________  
::FLIPPING MARTIAL MASTER INSIGNIA (pigtailed Silouette) TO MARK SCENE CHANGE::  
____________________________  
  
Martial Master stood, staring at the spot that once held one of Nerima's most established banks, Nerima Federal Bank, "This is indeed a truly heinous plot."  
  
"I agree, whoever did this, is truly evil," the mayor replied gravely, as they both, along with a few others, stood there staring at the sign that covered the sign of the former Nerima Federal Bank.  
  
"Yes," Ranma turned to face the mayor, "do you have any clues as to who owns this 'Ice Queen National Bank'?"  
  
"Not a one," the mayor replied, "And this isn't the only one. The Nerima National Bank, the Nerima Credit Union, and the First National Neriman Bank have also been replaced by the Ice Queen National Bank."  
  
"Hmm, perhaps there may be some clues inside..." mused Martial Master, as he started into the bank...  
____________________________  
::SPINNING MARTIAL MASTER INSIGNIA TO MARK SCENE CHANGE::  
____________________________  
  
Martial looked around at the crowd of people inside, waiting at windows with sixteen-year-old tellers wearing emerald green bodysuits with yen symbols over the chest area, emerald green domino masks, and uniform pageboy haircuts.  
  
"WHERE'S MY MONEY!" shouted one bank patronizer.  
  
"YOUR INTREST RETURNS ARE OUTRAGIOUS!" shouted another  
  
"CAN I USE YOUR BATHROOM?" shouted a third.  
  
As Martial Master looked around for clues on the ground, he came to a pair of dainty, emerald green shoed feet. "May I help you?" A sardonic and sinister voice asked politely and cheerfully.  
  
The pigtailed adventure stood straight up to meet the eyes of a ravishing young woman of about eighteen with a pageboy haircut, dressed in a smart emerald green business suit with a high cut skirt showing a bit of her thigh, petting an emerald as if it were a precious pet. Our heroe looked the young woman over, and noticed something. Emerald green shoes, Emerald Green panties (she should wear a little more conservative skirt), emerald green suit, emerald green domino mask... Martial Master came to the conclusion that...  
  
"You must be very fond of emerald green, but I must say it doesn't look that good on you."  
  
The woman's left eye twitched under the mask, but she kept her calm, "Really? I thought it suited me quite well."  
  
"Are you the owner of this bank?"  
  
"Why, yes I am," the proprieter of the bank held out her right hand, which was endowed with a gold ring studded with emeralds in the shape of a yen symbol, "Ice Queen.. Ms... Ice Queen."  
  
Martial Master remained oblivious to the suggestive tone, but took the offered hand in greeting, "Of course, so you are the felon behind the dissappearing banks!"  
  
"Why? How could you even accuse me of such a thing?!?" Ice Queen said in a scandalized voice, "I only moved in to fill the void that was left behind! I mean, could you imagine what chaos it would cause if Nerima were bankless? I shudder to think!"  
  
"Ah, so you were only doing your civic duty as a resident of Nerima, I apologise for my rash accusation," Martial Master replied, "Well then, carry on, and sorry to have bothered you during business."  
  
"Think nothing of it," Ice Queen offered, "In fact, stop by one day, I'll help you start up an account with *free* checking, so long as you purchase the alloted amount of checks, that is." Martial Master nodded, and then took his leave.  
  
Several moments later, Akane entered while only giving the retreating masked hero a passing glance. She looked around curiously, while wondering what happened to Nerima Federal. She arrived at one of the teller windows to find a girl about her age dressed in a emerald green bodysuit with a domino mask and a pageboy haircut, and reeled back in surprise.  
  
"Ya-Yuka?"  
  
"SHHHHH!!!!!" the girl in question commanded urgently, "it's henchgirl #4!"  
  
"I.... see," Akane replied in a way that stated she truly didn't, "Uh, why are you a henchgirl?"  
  
"My mom wanted me to get a part time job, and this one seemed to have a good future ahead of it."  
  
"Riiiiight, um, what happened to NFB? I wanted to make a quick inquiry on the status of my account."  
  
"Uh," Henchgirl #4 shrugged, "Hold on a sec, lemme see if I have your account on record..."  
  
"But, I've never signed up with this ban..."  
  
"Ah! Here it is!" the henchgirl beamed. Akane decided not to question it, and went through with checking her account.  
  
"Uh, thanks... Iiiiiii.... guess I'll be seeing you around, then," Akane stated, and was about to leave.  
  
"Ah, Akane? Um, are we still up for Tuesday night?" Henchgirl #4 enquired, nervously.  
  
Akane baulked slightly, "Well... I'm not too sure... I mean, that hair cut makes you look a lot like my sister, and that would be just too weird."  
____________________________  
::MARTIAL MASTER INSIGNIA DOING THE CABBAGE PATCH TO MARK SCENE CHANGE  
____________________________  
  
The banks continued to dissappear in Nerima, leaving a stumped Martial Master to only find Ice Queen National Banks in their wake. As this continued, he couldn't help but draw his own suspicions...  
  
One night, in one of the remaining non-Ice Queen National Banks in Nerima...  
  
"Okay girls, go to work!" Commanded Ice Queen. Her henchgirls quickly began to replace all traces of the Nerima Union Bank with that of the Ice Queen National. The villianess smiled sinisterly and sardonically; her plans were quickly coming to fruitation, and soon she will own all the banks in Nerima. Best part was, no costumed do-gooder had spoiled her...  
  
"A-HA!" came a cry from behind the middle teller window, "I was onto your nefarious scheme! ICE QUEEN OF NERIMA!"  
  
"CURSES!" Ice Queen exclaimed, "How did you know?"  
  
"It was all quite simple," Martial Master started, as he walked out into the open, "You see, I noticed your ring earlier, your ring. It has a the emeralds on it in the shape of a yen sign. I studied the pattern the banks were dissappearing, and realized, it was the beginnings of, yes, a YEN sigh! After that, it was a matter of figuring out which ear of the yen symbol you would build up first. I chose the right ear first, because *RIGHT* stands for fascism, which is somewhat a cousin of Capitalism, which stands for MONEY, which means... in Japan's economy... yen!"  
  
"Actually, it was sheer coincidence that all the banks of Nerima are lined up in the shape of a Yen sign," the Ice Queen replied, "No matter, HENCHGIRLS! TAKE HIM!"  
  
All at once, the girls circled our pigtailed crusador, and as one, they attacked.  
  
"[CLANK!]" his fist connected with the jaw of Henchgirl #7.  
  
"[BANG!]" Martial Master's foot collided with the stomach of Henchgirl #2.  
  
"[OUT TO LUNCH]" our hero headbutted Henchgirl #5  
  
"[WHAM!]" Martial Master gave a half lidded stare to Henchgirl #4, as her dainty fist had struck his chest with a dainty blow that wouldn't have had an effect on paper walls, much less the martial arts master.  
  
He raised his fist to strike back, when Henchgirl #4 squealed, "PLEASE! DON'T HIT ME!!!!" and then proceeded to cry.  
  
"HEY! HEY! Don't cry!" Martial Master exclaimed, nervously, trying to calm the girl down, he didn't notice the blow with a fire extinquisher come towards his head until it was too late...  
____________________________  
::MARTIAL MASTER INSIGNIA ON STRIKE, PICKETING WITH A SIGN THAT READS, 'I will NOT be TYPECAST!', TO MARK SCENE CHANGE.  
____________________________  
  
"Oh, good, you're awake."  
  
Martial Master's muddled mind began to clear, and found himself tied up, standing behind the teller window that read 'Express Line', "What's this?"  
  
"Heh, heh, heh, you feel for plan of attack #62 of my patented 'Dealing with costumed Do-gooders' protocols," Ice Queen said triumphantly. "Now, I shall reveal my sinister plans for you..."  
  
"Wha-what are you planning to do?" Martial Master swallowed dryly, fearing for himself.  
  
"As you can see, I have you tied to the Express teller window, and I will leave you there all day to assist with payday deposits!"  
  
"YOU'RE INSANE!" our hero exclaimed, fighting against his bonds futilely.  
  
"Soon, the waves of patrons of my bank will slowly drive the sanity from you, doing away with you for good!" The villianess checked her gold pocketwatch that had emeralds lined up in the shape of a Yen symbol on it, "Girls, I'm feeling generous today. Let's open fourty seconds early!"  
  
Two of the henchgirls nodded, and unlocked the doors to allow in the ocean of awaitng citizens...  
  
  
WILL MARTIAL MASTER ESCAPE THIS DASTARDLY TRAP? OR WILL HE BE DRIVEN SLOWLY INSANE BY PEOPLE WHO FORGET THEIR DEPOSIT SLIPS, DON'T KNOW HOW TO WRITE A CHECK, AND ATTEMPT TO LIE ABOUT HOW MUCH THEY TRULY HAVE IN THEIR ACCOUNTS? TUNE IN AT SOME EVENTUAL PIGTAILED TIME, SAME PIGTAILED CHANNEL!!! 


	5. Dire Discovery!

When last we left our hero...  
  
"Oh, good, you're awake."  
  
Martial Master's muddled mind began to clear, and found himself tied up, standing behind the teller window that read 'Express Line', "What's this?"  
  
"Heh, heh, heh, you feel for plan of attack #62 of my patented 'Dealing with costumed Do-gooders' protocols," Ice Queen said triumphantly. "Now, I shall reveal my sinister plans for you..."  
  
"Wha-what are you planning to do?" Martial Master swallowed dryly, fearing for himself.  
  
"As you can see, I have you tied to the Express teller window, and I will leave you there all day to assist with payday deposits!"  
  
"YOU'RE INSANE!" our hero exclaimed, fighting against his bonds futilely.  
  
"Soon, the waves of patrons of my bank will slowly drive the sanity from you, doing away with you for good!" The villianess checked her gold pocketwatch that had emeralds lined up in the shape of a Yen symbol on it, "Girls, I'm feeling generous today. Let's open fourty seconds early!"  
  
Two of the henchgirls nodded, and unlocked the doors to allow in the ocean of awaitng citizens...  
____________________________  
Ranma; PROTECTER OF NERIMA!  
Episode 5  
'Dire Discovery!'  
  
  
  
The clock on the wall of the bank slowly ticked to ten A.M., and then to eleven. Eventually, the hours became a the blend that only those forced to suffer customer service could only experience.  
  
The patrons came in droves, anxious to get in and out with their business done, yet never sufficently prepared as one would suspect a person who approaches the express line should be. The excuses given with false smiles, the faked politeness that was grated with apparent irritation was the nicest one who served in the position that is known throught all public services and businesses as the sanity corroder, the rest gave no such contempt. Their way was just, their way was precious, their way was *always* right, for they were the customer.  
  
Such a barrage was not meant for any do-gooder to handle. How would our hero cope with the dramatic pressures presented to even his formidable psyche? Could the Martial Master survive such an ordeal without becoming a jabbering idiot or a fiend of the firearms?  
  
The Ice Queen smiled triumphantly; the bank had been so packed today, she decided to allow it to stay open one more hour. He had instructed all her henchgirls that the more difficult transactions and inquiries be directed to the express line, well intending the overload towards her newest 'employee' to finish the thorn in her side off for good.  
  
The arch-villianess strode confidantly into the main room, as her henchgirls closed up for the evening, "Exellent," She said with a hiss that had the tone of a smirk in it, "Let us now see how the Martial Moron faired."  
  
The Ice Queen laughed, as her girls dragged a drooling and babbling Martial Master in their arms. He would be no trouble at all for her and her plans now.  
  
"Ahh, the once great Martial Master..." the nefarious woman cooed, holding up the chin of her enemy with one hand, "To think I had concerns that you could foil my great plot."  
  
The pigtailed crusader looked at her with unfocused eyes, that suddenly grew intelligent, and smirked, "You bank heisting days are over, Ice Queen!"  
  
The villiness stepped back and gasped, as the Martial Master threw the girls holding him up to the sides. "HOW!" She demanded, her heinous and devious trap was flawless, there was no way he could have survived working overtime in a bank, commanding the expressline aline, on payday!  
  
Martial Master's smirk grew wider. "Simple," he started in a haughty 'it-was-ever-so-logical' tone, "I had the foresight to coat my stomach in sour milk..."  
  
The Ice Queen and her henchgirls looked at each other with blank expressions... "Come again?"  
  
"I coated my stomach in sour milk, for I knew that you would have a heinous and devious trap set for me. As I was incapacitated by you, my stomach became... unsettled. And as it did, I became uncomfortable. And as you well know, that anyone in customer service when they become agitated, will return the attitudes of patrons without remorse."  
  
"Clever," the Ice Queen commented, "Thus, you irritated them enough so that they quickly would finish their business with as little fuss as possible" The villiness brought pointed defiantly at her enemy. But, that shall not save you this time, GET HIM!" The Ice Queen commanded her remaining eight henchgirls.  
  
"[POW! POW!]" Martial Master delivered a dual kick to two agressing henchgirls.  
  
"[ZIST, BOOM, BA!]" A crescent kick subdued three oncoming girls holding swords with hilts shaped like yen signs.  
  
"[Now how about them digits?]" Martial Mastter's sign asked, while he had his arm around a coy acting girl, while he ax kicked another one in the chin.  
  
"[Beeedowwww]" the final henchgirl was subdued in a manner this narrator would not like to discuss in polite company, though it was done in a rather courteous and gentlemenly fashion.  
  
"ARRRRRRRR, CURSES!" Ice Queen cursed, and attempted to run. Martial Master deftly landed in front of her, and reeled back his fist...  
  
"NO!!!" Suddenly, the young woman began to sob in dismay, "Y-y-you wa-wouldn't hit a-a young g-girl... would you?"  
  
Martial Master looked around the room at the fallen henchgirls, and then scratched the back of his head nervously, "Heh, uh, I guess that wouldn't be right and all, um, would it?"  
  
The Ice Queen's smirk returned, "So, we have a stalemate then, you cannot hit me, therefore, subdue me. It appears your only choice is to let me go!"  
  
Our hero's face scrunched up tightly at the declaration, "Damn, I shouldn't have had so much lettuce and cheese in my all you can eat salad buffet!" He exclaimed, "You're right! I... I..." Martial Master pulled his fist back again, and punched forward. The Ice Queen gasped, but the smiled in victory when the fist stopped inches from her nose.  
  
Martial Master pouted a bit, and then he too smiled in victory. He grabbed the villianess's right hand with his left, and held her arm straight out in front of her. Then, in a brilliant maneuver crossed his right forearm over her bicep near the elbow.  
  
"What the Hell are you..." Ice Queen commanded, before a fist to the face silenced her.  
  
"Why you hitt'n yourself? Why you hitt'n yourself?" Martial Master chanted, as he kept forcing the Ice Queen's arm to bend and strike herself in the face until she fell unconcious.  
____________________________  
  
"Really, now," the Mayor of Nerima began, "Do you not think that there is a more appropriate place to put this... refuge of society?"  
  
"Dear Mayor," Martial Master replied, "It matters not where we lay our trash. Wether it be in the proper waste receptical, or on the lush grass of our fair parks, it is only important that we stand ever vigilant against their dastardly plots! Plus, that I will collect my wages from today from Ice Queen later."  
  
"Well said, well said," the Mayor of Nerima congradulated, and then turned to find Martial Master dissappeared, "Huh? Where did he go?" He didn't seem to notice half the crowd gathered was pointing at a nearby consession stand.  
  
"Hey, do you use real Japanese beef and pork in your frankfurters?" Crimefighting was hungry business, you know?  
  
That day, the zoo's business picked up exponentially, supported by the mass exodus of teenage males that had come to see Nerima Zoo's newest exibit. The crowd of boys gawked openly and happily, at least until the inhabitants of the cage began to hurl their defication at them in irritation.  
____________________________  
::A CHORUS OF MARTIAL MASTER INSIGNIAS RIVERDANCE ACROSS THE SCREEN TO SIGNIFY A SCENE CHANGE::  
____________________________  
  
"Well, Ranma" Akane asked, seeming to read the magazine, "How has your day been?"  
  
The pigtailed boy lay on the floor, exhausted from his earlier ordeals, "Eh, it's been slow."  
  
"Is that so?" Akane asked, not looking up from her magazine. Ranma lifted his head, and looked towards his once-fiancee.  
  
"Hey, haven't we done the magazine gag already?"  
  
"Gag? What are you talking about?" Akane asked nervously, missing her father lean over her shoulder.  
  
"Hmm? What's this?" Soun pulled the magazine out of the magazine Akane was holding. He looked at it, sighed, and closed it.   
  
"You know, it's not abnormal to be interested in that sort of thing," he said. "I know I certainly was at your age. Of course, I had very poor role models when I was your age. If Genma or I ever came across anything like this, we either destroyed it or hid it, because the master *would* confiscate it."(*)  
  
"Oh, great," Akane gritted out, while glaring at Ranma, "See what you did? Now he's ripping off of other fics!" Akane walked away from her father, as he kept drolling on as if she were sitting in the same spot about her apparently finding it difficult not knowing, or something along those lines.  
  
Ranma grunted non-commettedly in reply.  
  
"Hey, you jerk! Pay attention!" Akane growled, and then turn her head slightly back to her father. "Yes dad, I understand," she replied in a droll manner after her father said something like, 'I'm certain some of them are doing it for a thrill or for some other reason, but blah blah blah blah...."(**)  
  
"Can this gratuitous and perpetual irrational rage to gratify a personal charactoristic developed for you by anime and fandom wait until another time? I'm kinda wore out today," Ranma replied, picking himself up off the floor to head upstairs.  
  
"Yes dad, whatever you say, Dad," Akane switched back to her angered tone, "You're not going anywhere, I still have one more thing to say!"  
  
"Yeah, what?" Ranma asked in a tired voice.  
  
"YOU'RE MARTIAL MASTER!!!!"  
  
  
(*)Shamelessly ripped off from Chris Jone's 'New Ranma' at www.furinkan.net  
Try it! Is good fic filled with enough self-discovery, psychological profiling, and gratuitous sex to make even Jim Bader blush ^_^  
(**) Same fic, now go kill some kittens, fanboys. 


	6. Enter Tomboy; The Girl Peculiar!

Ranma; Protecter of Nerima  
  
  
  
"WHAT?!?" Ranma shouted incredulously.  
  
"YOU'RE MARTIAL MASTER!!!" Akane accused.  
  
"WHAT?!?" Ranma shouted incredulously.  
  
"YOU'RE MAR-"  
  
"GIVE ME THAT DAMN BULLHORN!!!" Ranma shouted, jerking the megaphone from the other girl, "What the HELL is wrong with you?"  
  
"I know your great secret!" Akane said with a smirk.  
  
"Wha-what makes you think I'm Martial Master?" Ranma asked nervously, while twisting his pigtail between his fingers, fidgiting, and not meeting Akane's eyes.  
  
"Honestly," Akane chided, "You have guilt written all over your face."  
  
Ranma reached up and smeared the writing on his forehead and cheek, "Hey! That's just from one of Kasumi's kinky sex games! That don't mean nutt'n!"  
  
"Well then," Akane started again, "First, you're gone during the day, that's when Martial Master shows up... DURING THE DAY!!!"  
  
"Coincidence!" Ranma shot back.  
  
"He also knows martial arts, YOU KNOW MARTIAL ARTS!!!"  
  
"Uh, doesn't Mousse and Ryoga?" Ranma asked curiously.  
  
"He also wears a mask, YOU'RE WEARING A MASK!!!"  
  
"HA! I'm not... oh, damn," Ranma reached up, and removed the martial master mask from his face, "I guess I'm busted, huh? So, what's it to ya?"  
  
"Oh, nothing..." Akane replied casually, then started to walk away.  
  
"Hmm, that was strange..." Ranma thought to himself, before he turned away himself.  
  
"Lemme help, pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease!!!!"  
  
"HEY LEGGO!!!" Ranma tried desperately to shake Akane from his leg with no success. The commotion brought Kasumi into the living room to see what was going on.  
  
"Oh my," Kasumi said sweetly, "Akane, did you want to join in next time?"  
  
Akane blinked, "Uh... that's okay, sis."  
  
"Oh, okay then," the elder Tendou sister replied, "Then would you please get your filthy, shit wiping hands off my man, please?"  
  
"Oh, sorry, you cum guzzling Tiaquana crack whore," Akane replied sheepishly.  
  
Kasumi smiled, and walked back into the kitchen.  
  
"You can't come with me," Ranma said valiantly, "it's too dangerous."  
  
Akane huffed, "I'm a martial artist, too!"  
  
"The like of a crime fighter is fraught with peril," Ranma replied wisely.  
  
"So is a martial artist's!"  
  
"Well, a crime fighter's life is fraught with even MORE peril!" Ranma retorted.  
  
"Is not!" Akane shot back, in Ranma's face.  
  
"IS TOO!"  
  
"NOT!"  
  
"TOO!!"  
  
"NOT!!!" Akane was an inch from Ranma's nose.  
  
"TOO... er, you're not gonna kiss me, are you?" Ranma asked nervously.  
  
"NOT... don't be vulgar," Akane replied.  
  
"Ah, okay," Ranma replied, nodding, "TOO!!!"  
  
"Honestly," Akane snorted, "NOT!!!"  
  
"Okay, look, fine," Ranma stated, breaking the stalemate off, "You can help, but..."  
  
Akane listened intently.  
____________________________  
  
Martial Master leapt onto the rooftop, his black cape with red lining fluttering behind him and settling against his back majestically. Behind him, a ladder landed against the edge of the rooftop, and on it ascended a second masked caped crusader, wearing short blue bloomer like shorts, a red Chinese shirt, blue sneakers, a black mask, and a red cape with white lining.  
  
"Can't we just stick to ground level?" Martial Master's new partner huffed, as she climbed the ladder."  
  
"No, we cannot," Martial Master replied, overlooking the cityscape from his vantage point.  
  
"And why does this outfit make me look like a guy," the girl in costume asked with a frown.  
  
"Well, that's not the costume. You're body is built like a guy's, you have a short haircut, and you like girls." Martial Master replied simply.  
  
"Huh, HEY! WHAT DOES MY LIKING GIRLS HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?!?!"  
  
"It doesn't, I just made a bet with Kasumi that I could get you to admit it." The girl looked at Martial Master nervously from the corner of her eyes.  
  
"THERE!" The pigtailed vigilante shouted, as he pointed down the rooftops, "INJUSTICE IS BEING PERFORMED, TOMBOY!"  
  
"Huh? All I see is Shampoo... what did you call me?" the crimefighter known as Tomboy growled.  
  
"Tomboy, the Girl Peculiar," Martial Master replied as if it were an obvious answer.  
  
"Girl.. Peculiar?" Akane asked, puzzled by the name.  
  
"Of course, we've all wondered about you for a while, thanks for clearing up the confusion a minute ago," Martial Master replied with a smile, before taking off onto the rooftops.  
  
"Wait! Ranm-er-Martial Master," Tomboy shouted after her partner, "You know, about that girl thing. It's not true, really!" The Girl Peculiar took off on the rooftops, glad that roof hopping was much easier than getting up on them.  
____________________________  
  
The lavender haired young lady rode her bike with unparalleled skill across the Nerima rooftops, unheeding of the shouts and complaints of her noisy route of transportation. She had a delivery to make, and she was damned if she was going to be late.. again.. for the forth time that day... with only three deliveries the whole time. Great Grandmother's cat of nine tails may sting, that she didn't mind, but the leather she put on when punishing Shampoo...  
  
The girl shivered at the memory, and pedaled faster. Unfortunately, her progress was to still be impeded.  
  
"HALT, FIEND!!!" Shampoo turned to see her beloved wearing a stupid mask and cape, but loved him anyway.  
  
"Aiyah, Ranma take Shampoo on date now?"  
  
"No I'm not taking you out-I'M NOT RANMA!!!" the pigtailed crusader shouted, "I'm Martial Master; Protecter of Nerima."  
  
"Why airen use too, too stupid name?" Shampoo asked, and then looked over the crimefighter's shoulder, "Silly outfit make Akane look more like boy, and blue shorts no suit you."  
  
"He won't let me wear leggings" Tomboy pointed towards her partner with an irritated expression.  
  
"How many times do I have to tell you, Tomboy..." Martial Master started again, with exasperation in his voice.  
  
"What... did you call me?" Tomboy growled.  
  
"Tomboy," Martial Master replied, "Anyway, we're still Golden Age, when we get to Silver Age, then you can have tights or leggings."  
  
"I guess," Tomboy replied dejectedly.  
  
"Now, let us put an end to Cattywoman's reign of terror," Martial Master proclaimed, turning to the puzzled Amazon.  
  
"Who Cattywoman?" Shampoo asked, pointedly ignoring Tomboy's rolling around and laughing her ass off.  
  
"Do no attempt to stall us! Your days of disturbing the peace have come to an end!"  
  
"So husband want to come back to China with Shampoo?"  
  
"NO I'm NOT going back to China with you!" Martial Master shouted.  
  
"CA-CATTYWO-WOMAN!! HAHAHAHAHAAAAA"  
  
Cattywoman pouted, and then suddenly perked up, "Oh! Shampoo have too, too delicious Ranma for husband!"  
  
"Really?" Martial Master perked up, in turn brining Tomboy out of her hysterics with a scowl.  
  
Cattywoman nodded, and presented her takeout carrier, and lifted the lid, displaying a lucious bowl of steaming ramen. Martial Master whipped out a pair of chopsticks from his utility, um, belt (yeah, that's it), and leaned over to take a sample.  
  
"MARTIAL MASTER, DON'T..." Alas, because of his five syllable name that was spoken with perfect Engrish, Tomboy couldn't warn her partner of the trap. Well, she was going to suggest that if he touched it, he would recieve the beating of his life, same difference. The ramen suddenly snaked out, and wrapped up the Defending Duo in a stranglehold of broth soaked death.  
  
Cattywoman chuckled sinisterly, "Aiyah, Ranma and Akane fall for Shampoo too, too dangerous trap!"  
  
"HA!" Martial Master barked, "This trap is flawed! We shall EAT our way out!!!!"  
  
"Shampoo think that already," Cattywoman's grin got wider, "This display ramen, no good eating. Taste too, too much like Akane cooking!"  
  
"PTUI! She's right!" Martial Master shouted, spitting out the fowl tasting substance, "It's too vile to eat!"  
  
"MMM!!!" Akane shouted, apparently gagged by the offending noodles. It wasn't long before darkness overcame both of them...  
____________________________  
::MARTIAL MASTER INSIGNIA JERKING OFF TO INTERNET PORN TO SIGNIFY SCENE CHANGE::  
(damn it, put your pants back on, we're in the middle of a show here!)  
____________________________  
Martial Master awoke to find himself in a white tuxido, bound and gagged in front of an alter with a drunken preist and Catty Woman at his side in a white wedding dress. On the alter sat a box with two buttons saying 'yes' and 'no'. A cursory check told him he was in a wedding chapel, with Akane, bound and gagged, hanging upside down from a rope over a large pool of furry objects.  
  
"Oh, Airen awake!" Cattywoman stated cheerfully, "Shampoo begin thinking that husband miss own wedding! Shampoo always want western wedding!"  
  
"Mmmm mm mmmm Mmmm mmm?" the Pigtailed Crusader demanded.  
  
"Oh, plot too too simple. See box in front? When priest get to 'You Ranma take Shampoo to be bride', you either press 'yes' or 'no'. If you press yes, we married! You press no, then Akane fall headfirst into pool of mink-fur muffs!"  
  
"How diabolical!" Martial Master proclaimed, "Tomboy is allergic to mink fur!!!"  
  
"Is right!" Cattywoman chirped, "If Ranma no marry Shampoo, Akane axphi-asphit.. choke really bad to death!" The lavender haired villiness then turned to the priest, "Now, begin cerimony!"  
  
Martial Master began to sweat, as the priest began to drone.  
  
WILL MARTIAL MASTER BE FORCED INTO UNHOLY MATRIMONY WITH THE FIENDISH CATTYWOMAN? OR WILL HE SACRIFICE HIS NEWFOUND PARTNER, AND SEND HER INTO THE DEADLY MUFF DIVE? TUNE IN SOME EVENTUAL PIGTAILED TIME, SAME PIGTAILED CHANNEL!!! 


	7. Tom Boy; Totally Muffed, er, Miffed!'

When Last we left our periled Duo of Nerima's Defense...  
  
"Oh, plot too too simple. See box in front? When priest get to 'You Ranma take Shampoo to be bride', you either press 'yes' or 'no'. If you press yes, we married! You press no, then Akane fall headfirst into pool of mink-fur muffs!"  
  
"How diabolical!" Martial Master proclaimed, "Tomboy is allergic to mink fur!!!"  
  
"Is right!" Cattywoman chirped, "If Ranma no marry Shampoo, Akane axphi-asphit.. choke really bad to death!" The lavender haired villiness then turned to the priest, "Now, begin cerimony!"  
  
Martial Master began to sweat, as the priest began to drone.  
______________________________  
  
Ranma; Protecter of Nerima  
Episode 7  
  
  
"We are gathered here today..." The priest started; his voice heavily slurred.  
  
"Shampoo see no one else gathered. Stupid drunken priest get to good part!" Shampoo grumbled, "Dress chaff Shampoo crotch badly.  
  
"Good part? Oh, oh yes. Do you Shampoo take this man... ummmm..."  
  
"Ranma/Martial Master," the bride and groom both said in unison.  
  
"Do you take Rarmal Master to be your awefully wedded husband?"  
  
"Stupid priest do backwards! Ask husband he want marry Shampoo first!"  
  
"Oh, he's already married? I'm afraid we do not practice poligamy in this..."  
  
"Shampoo no care about funny Sout African midgets run round in underwear! Shampoo want marry Ranma and get out of stupid dress!"  
  
"Oh, oh dear, I..." the preist hemmed and hawed.  
  
"ASK HUSBAND STUPID QUESTION!!!!"  
  
The priest stopped hemming and hawing, "What are we doing again?"  
  
"Too, too stupid priest repeat after Shampoo..."  
  
"After Shampoo," the priest repeated.  
  
"Okay, Shampoo kill too, too stupid priest after marry Ranma. Now say, 'Ranma, you take too, too pretty Shampoo to be Wife, to worship and make babies with and cook and clean and do cunnilungus when Shampoo too, too agitated?"  
  
"Ranma, you take too, too pretty Shampoo to be wife.."  
  
Shampoo kicked the priest in the face, "That good enough. Now Ranma choose!"  
  
Martial Master stared at the buttons in concertation. If he chose yes, he had a luscious, curvatious, amorous, and downright gorgeous foreigner wife. The neighbors would shun him for sure. If he chose no, his trusty androgenous and sexaully confused partner would be forced into an obscene parallel referense towards her estimated orientation. Martial Master's eyes lit up, as he came up with a plan. Taking a deep breath, he bowed down until he came in contact with the buttons...  
  
Tom Boy plunged head first, and immidiately began kicking her legs in panic.  
  
"Um, why Ranma press both buttons?" Shampoo asked, looking at the lit up 'yes' and 'no' buttons. Akane's flailing legs became more urgent. They were also starting to turn purple.  
  
"Mm mmm mmmmmm..."  
  
"Oh, Shampoo remove ball gag." The Amazon removed the erotic device from her intended.  
  
"It was simple," Martial Master proclaimed, "You see, I coated my stomach in sour milk..."  
  
Shampoo blinked, "What Husband bad gas have do with anything?"  
  
The pigtailed avenger pointedly cleared his throat, "What I mean to say, was that I knew that if I pressed yes, I would be married to you, and if I pressed no, Tom Boy would suffer."  
  
"Shampoo already establish that fact," the Amazon stated dryly. Akane's legs stopped kicking.  
  
"Well, then I considered, 'what if I were to press *both* buttons?"  
  
"Then Ranma show he too, too stupid?" Shampoo asked with a curious lilt.  
  
"No, then the answer is a very clear 'MAYBE'!" Martial Master took on a smug expression at his solution.  
  
"Truly brilliant!" the drunken priest proclaimed.  
  
"And now, Catty Woman," Martial Master shouted, pointing his nose towards Shampoo, "it is time you were brought to justice!" The box containing an upside down Tom Boy and mink fur muffs tipped over in the background.  
  
"Second thought, Shampoo put ball gag back on Ranma." Suddenly, Shampoo's eyes became unfocused, and she dropped into unconciousness. a seething Tom Boy stood behind her, with a purple swelling and blotched face, holding a large mallet with her teeth, as the rest of her body was bound.  
  
"DAN ITH! ITH TOOTH WEEKS THOR THE STHWELLING THO GO DOWN LATH THIME!!!!"  
  
"GOOD WORK, TOM BOY!" Martial Master congradulated, "and if you don't mind me for saying, you look like Hell..."  
______________________________  
::MARTIAL MASTER ENSIGNIA CHASING WOMEN WEARING THIN WHITE T-SHIRTS WITH A SUPERSOAKER TO SIGNIFY SCENE CHANGE::  
______________________________  
  
"Well, I don't believe we've ever had a felinus domesticus exibit here before..." the zookeeper stated, scratching his head.  
  
"I'm... not sure what the situation was, but a job well done!" the mayor praised.   
  
"Yes, it was a job well done, indeed," Martial Master struck a pose, "We must ever stand vigilant, my partner and I. For whenever a new menace shall pop up, from bank theft to disturbing the peace, Martial Master and Tom Boy shall be there. Be there to protect Nerima."  
  
"You know how corny that sounded?" Tom Boy grimaced at the speech.  
  
A purple cat mewed pitifully in its cage, as young men taunted it by throwing peanuts at it. The cat soon retaliated with its own defication.  
______________________________  
  
"So... Akane," Ranma started, biting down on his smoking pipe in contemplation, while reading a newspaper, "Now you understand the perils of the superheroe."  
  
"I guess..." Akane replied, wearing a pair of men's khaki slacks, a white dress shirt, and a cheezy looking sweater vest, "But... gee wiz Ranma, I wouldn't give it up for the world!"  
  
Ranma's eyebrows raised, as he nodded, and continued to read the paper, "Indeed, Akane, indeed. Perhaps Kasumi has some delicious brownies freshly baked for us..."  
  
"You're not touching my hash brownies!" Kasumi's voice stated sweetly from the kitchen, "I'll make some chocolate ones for you in a little bit."  
  
"Oh gosh darn," Akane griped, "Now we'll have to wait!"  
  
At that moment, Nabiki walked in the house, looking none worse for wear, and glared at her youngest sister, "Why in the Hell are you two dressed like that. Akane, 'gosh darn'?"  
  
"Uhh... Akane started it!" Ranma accused, pointing to his once-fiancee.  
  
"I DID NOT!" Akane shouted indignantly, and then looked at her apperal, "Damn, this outfit is fugly..."  
  
"Anyhow, I have a gig in an hour, so I must take my leave," with that, Ranma got up and went to the bathroom to change.  
______________________________  
  
"I'm impressed," Nabiki commented, "I believe that's the first time you've ruined a gig before you ever got out the door."  
  
Ranma-chan brooded in her oversized baby's pajamas, "Well, at least I still got paid."  
  
"Yeah, but next time, I don't suggest not stating you're doing the baby strip show to the 'Anti-Pediphilia Association'."  
  
"I though APA stood for 'American Psychological Association."  
  
"It does, we're not in America, though."  
  
Ranma-chan was suddenly donning a cloak and specticle over one eye, "It matters not, anyhow. I have amassed a small fortune..."  
  
"About 70,000 Yen, by my estimate," Nabiki calculated.  
  
"Hardly a fortune, Ranma," Akane added.  
  
Ranma-chan pointedly ignored them, "I shall soon have enough funds to begin my conquest of Nerima!"  
  
Nabiki's face twitched, "You don't say...?"  
  
"Ranma, you do realize that table you want is a lot less than what you have, right?" Akane asked, wondering why Ranma was still building money for that ugly table they saw at the used furniture store.  
  
"Oh, but there's this lovely love seat with foot stool it comes with that I simply must have!"  
  
"Whatever, Ranma," Akane sighed, sitting back down in a couch.  
  
"You still doubt my plans?" Ranma-chan asked in a low voice. When she ruled Nerima, the insolent girl Akane would be the first that she fed to her experamental earth worms with buzzsaws attached to their tails.  
  
"Ranma," Akane replied in a tired voice, "Has anyone told you that you're completely schizo?"  
  
Ranma continued to glare at Akane, wishing she had something to pet, "And why wasn't I informed of this earlier?" Akane blinked, and groaned.  
  
"Well, I got two days of homework to catch up on, so I'm heading to my room," Nabiki replied, turning to the stairs.  
  
Suddenly, without provication or true surmisable reason, Akane, Ranma-chan, and Nabiki laughed in merryment.  
______________________________  
  
"Mrs. Gosenkugi, in closing, do you swear to uphold all of our beliefs, teachings, and gosphels, which shall lead us to the golden age of Japan?"  
  
"Uh, I do!" The meek looking woman with bags under her eyes replied.  
  
The woman wearing a lavish kimono with short red hair smiled, lowering her right hand, "Welcome to the fold."  
  
"Um, thank you for having me!" Mrs. Gosenkugi replied, "Oooh, this is so exiting! I've never been a part of a secret organization, before!"  
  
The woman with red hair picked up her rice-silk wrapped bundle, and turned to a wall covered totally with moniters, "Agent H, report!"  
  
"I have recruited Mrs. Tzu into our fold," replied the woman who appeared on the moniters. She wore a brown dress with a mustard yellow shirt. Around her neck she wore a loosely tied tiger striped bandanna.  
  
"Nice work, roving agent H. Soon we shall be ready to make our move, for the glory of Japan!"  
  
"Um, Mrs. Agent S, ma'am?" Mrs. Gosenkugi began to ask, "If you don't mind, what is our goal?"  
  
Agent S turned to look at the new agent, Agent G, "Why? The goal of MOM is nothing short of complete manliness of all of Japan, and the WORLD!"  
  
"Oh, how dramatic!" stated Agent G exitedly.  
  
"Yes, Mothers Obsessed for Manliness is nothing less than dramatic for our ritious cause!" 


	8. The Menace of M.O.M.

Ranma; Protecter of Nerima  
Episode 7;  
'The Menace of M.O.M.'  
  
  
  
After saving Nerima from the dastardly Catty Woman, our heroe in disguise takes the oppurtunity to begin training his newest partner in earnest...  
  
"Keep going! Don't give up!" Ranma shouted, as, ignoring Akane's tears from the endurance.  
  
"I... I can't! Make them go away!" Akane screamed, as she huffed in stress, but continued her frantic pace.  
  
"Oh, look! I found a five hundred yen coin in here!" Ranma bent down to show Akane, and almost fell, "Hey! Careful not to jostle me like that!"  
  
"Excuse...huff... me if... wheeze... I'm not being DELICATE HERE, while I'm running for my life... huff... with a damn COUCH on my back with a martial artist on top of that that insists on COUCH SURFING!!!"  
  
"They're gaining, I suggest not wasting your breath," Ranma commented, idly, as he sat back on the couch Akane was currently running with on her back.  
  
"MAKE THEM GO AWAY!!!" Akane shouted, as she looked back to the beasts chasing her.  
  
"They won't until they get ahold of the lunchmeat strapped to you, and I think Kasumi wouldn't appreaciate it if you let them do that. I believe it was for school," Ranma laid down on the couch, and pulled out a newspaper, "Hey! Nikkei gained four points today, not that I care about anything like that, I just wanted to be distracting."  
  
"WHERE THE HELL DID.... wheeze... YOU COME UP WITH THIS INSANE TRAINING EXERCISE, ANYHOW?!?" Akane screamed, half in rage and half in absolute fear.  
  
"Ah... I read it on the internet somewhere," Ranma answered, "Though, they didn't try hard enough. I mean is it REALLY that hard to find wolves in Japan? Really, how effective can rats be for motivation? Why, back in my day, we wouldn't be satisfied until we were thrown into a dark pit full of ravenous cats while wrapped in fish sausage!" Ranma flipped the page of the newspaper, and scowled, "Hey, why don't our papers have page 3 girls, like in England?"  
  
"Rats... I could have lived with rats," Akane breathed, as she looked back to the wolves chasing her, almost to the point of snapping at her heels.  
  
You know? I didn't really think you'd make it this far..." Ranma actually sounded impressed.  
  
"How are... cough... we going to finish this up?" Akane whined.  
  
Ranma rolled his eyes, and started scanning the ads in the paper, "Wussy. Hmm, Akane, that deoderant you like so much is on sale. Not that I'm implying you're gamey or anything... I just realized, exactly how *are* you going to stop with a pack of enraged and hungry wolves on your tail?"  
  
"YOU MEAN YOU DIDN'T THINK ABOUT THAT?!?".  
  
"Well, keep up the good work, next, the Nekoken training." Ranma pondered that for a second, "Although... I don't think a pit of hungry cats would be traumatizing enough for someone your age... wanna go to the Zoo, later?"  
  
Akane whimpered.  
  
"Leave the lunchmeat on if you manage to lose the wolves..."  
  
Akane whimpered again.  
  
"Let's go surfing now, everybody's learning how..."  
  
Akane whimpered a third time.  
  
"Could you stop that, you're starting to sound annoying!"  
___________________________________  
  
"First, I would like to welcome all of you to our lovely secret organization," Agent S greeted.  
  
"Oh yes, it is a nice secret organization, isn't it?" Agent D replied.  
  
"Oh, Agent S, you should invite us over more often!" Agent H stated gleefully.  
  
"My husband said I should be more sociable," Agent G commented.  
  
"It certainly is nice to get out every so often," Agent T said with a smile.  
  
"Um, I mean no offense, Agent T, but aren't you supposed to be dead? And didn't you have three daughters, no sons?"  
  
Agent T blinked, "Um, this isn't a Magus fic?" All agents shook their heads.  
  
"Then, my youngest daughter hasn't been cursed to become a guy, and I'm not a 5,000 year old magus with an early 90's style attitude that has been ressurected?" All agents nodded.  
  
"We won't be ressurecting you for another few episodes yet," Agent S commented.  
  
"Oh," Agent T replied, simply.  
  
"Anyhow, onto our second order of business," Agent S continued, "Agent M?"  
  
"Please, call me Mrs. Mu," Agent M corrected.  
  
"I would like to, but it kind of defeats the purpose of secret code names," Agent S replied.  
  
"Oh, all right, they're so neat, at least." Agent M cleared her throat, "We have finished construction of our secret weapon..."  
  
"Oooh, secret weapon? How interesting!" Agent H stated gleefully, "My little Hiro would find this so fascenating!"  
  
"The secret weapon was designed to enhance the manliness factor of those it comes in contact with to their maximum levels. Thus, we have dubbed it, the 'Manliness Ray'!" Soft clapping was heard all around.  
  
"Yes, let us all thank Agent M for creating such a cute little satilite death-ray type of device for us, and for also baking this cake!" Agent S held up the red velvet cake for all the agents available to see.  
  
"Oh, yes, that cake looks quite nice!" Agent G complimented.  
  
"Oh, it's going to go straight to my hips!" Agent K stated with a bit of a frown.  
  
"Oh, look, it's got cute little flower decorations on top!" Agent H cooed.  
___________________________________  
  
"Hey, Akane, you getting tired yet?" Ranma commented, as he lounged on the couch, bored.  
  
"WHEEZE, HACK, COUGH!"  
  
"Okay, because we're home, and it's lunch time," Ranma stated, as he pulled a hunk of lunchmeat off of Akane, and chucked it at the equally tired wolves. Both Akane and Ranma entered the Tendou household, anxiously awaiting refreshments.  
  
"Hey Kasumi, I'm feeling a bit peckish, how about... some nice chicken, seasoned lightly with lemon salt, mint, and paprika over rice pilaf with sauteed mushrooms surrounding it?"  
  
"Here you go, Ranma-kun," Kasumi laid a plate of delicious chicken over rice with mushrooms for her man.  
  
Akane looked longingly at Ranma's plate, "Uh, Kasumi, can I...?"  
  
"You have to learn to cook, sometime, Akane-chan," Kasumi replied with a smile.  
  
"Hey, don't fret over it, Akane, here, I'm saving you a drumstick!" Ranma held up the piece of chicken for Akane, who's mouth began to water, as her eye's glistened.  
  
"LOOK OUT!!!" Ranma screamed, as he tossed the drumstick at Akane, which just barely passed by the side of her head. The drumstick connected solidly between the eyes of a wolf that was sneaking up behind Akane; instantly killing it. Two more wolves leapt into the open, and started fighting over the drumstick.  
  
"Lucky I had that handy!" Ranma stated, proud of himself.  
Akane grumbled about Hepititus culturizing whores, as she walked to the fridge. Suddenly, Kasumi jolted straight up, as Ranma's eyes went wide, and he doubled.  
  
"Ah, Akane, never mind what I said, earlier," Kasumi suddenly stated, while pulling Ranma's plate from him, and sitting at the table, "You can have this, as long as you come and sit on my lap!"  
  
Akane was immidiately in her sister's lap, scarfing down on the meal meant for Ranma.  
  
"HEY!" Ranma shouted, indignantly, "You'd better be putting out for me later on tonight for eating at my expense!"  
  
"She's gonna be all mine for the evening, Ranma, go get your own one-night-stand!" Kasumi growled back.  
  
"HEY, you wanna take this outside?" Ranma growled with equal fervor."  
  
"Hey, I'm trying to eat here!" Akane stated, irritatingly through a mouthful of rice. She then blinked, and realized something, "Hey, why you two acting so funny?"  
  
Ranma shook his head, and then grabbed it with both hands, "Must, enforce... dicipline..."  
  
"Are you okay, Ranma?" Akane asked with slight concern.  
  
"Oh, the little pussy's just faking it for sympathy," Kasumi stated nonchilantly, "Now, Akane, how about you grab them ankles, and I show you what REAL horsepower feels like against your ass?"  
  
"Kasumi's talking raunchy!" Ranma exclaimed in surprise, "QUICK! TO THE DOJO!!!"  
  
Both Ranma and Akane were out of the kitchen in a flash, and in the dojo. They pressed a button hidden behind a sign, causing a secret passageway with two sliding poles that descended with it. Akane and Ranma slid down the poles to an underground secret layer that was the stronghold for Nerima's heroes; Martial Master and Tom Boy.  
  
Ranma and Akane then quickly ascended the stairs out of their secret stronghold, and rushed upstairs to their rooms to gather their costumes from where they were hidden in the back of their closets.  
  
Martial Master and Tom Boy met in the upstairs hall, rushed downstairs, and out the house.  
  
"Martial Master, why don't we just hide our costumes in the secret layer?" Tom Boy asked.  
  
"Patience, Tom Boy, we need to fumigate down there, first!" Martial Master replied, "you wouldn't want weevils eating our awe-inspiring capes, now, would you? And besides, we have to first keep your father and your sisters from playing on the poles."  
  
"Kami-blessed Pole Hogs, you're right, Martial Master!" Tom Boy exclaimed.  
  
Martial Master came to a quick stop, "What the Hell did you just say?"  
____________________________  
::BAT-LOGO SPINS ON THE SCREEN, BEFORE THE MARTIAL MASTER INSIGNIA DROP KICKS IT OUT OF SIGHT SIGNIFYING A SCENE CHANGE::  
____________________________  
  
Martial Master and Tom Boy arrived in Nerima Park, just in time to witness dasterdly events.  
  
"I bet I can make you moan louder than sixty decibels," Yuka stated to Sayuri suavely.  
  
"Heh, enough about me, how about we head over to your place, and you show me your room?" Sayuri answered, smoothly putting her arm around Yuka's shoulder.  
  
"Heh, but really, you know? I *am* the school's kendo champion, how's about we find somewhere cozy, and you can take a look at my bokken techniques?" Kuno stated with *actual* competent suaveness.  
  
"Heh, told you my armpits stink more than yours!" Ukyo claimed towards Ryoga in triumph.  
  
"Anyone got a BEER?" Nabiki shouted, before belching loudly.  
  
"They're all acting... macho!" Tom Boy exclaimed in shock.  
  
"That is correct!" A voice stated behind them, "And, as I suspected you would, Martial Master and Tom Boy, you have walked right into our trap!"  
  
"How'd you know to set a trap for us at the park?" Martial Master exclaimed in surprise.  
  
"We shall not discuss the particulars of this plot hole," The red-headed woman wearing a kimono with a porcelin maske over her face while carrying a long package wrapped in rice silk, stated.  
  
"How dastardly!" Martial Master stated in awe of the new villiness's deviousness.  
  
"Now, you shall stand there impotently, as we train a more compact and potent version of our 'Manliness' Ray upon you!"  
  
"A manliness Ray?" Martial Master stated in shock, "So THAT'S your nefarious game!"  
  
"If you actually hit him with that, you'll make Martial Master an even MORE arrogant, obnoxious, stubborn Jerk!" Tom Boy cried out in dismay.  
  
"HEY!!!" Martial Master sputtered indignantly.  
  
"Yes, we of M.O.M., Mothers Obsessed for Manliness, are attempting to convert all our sons to the pinnicle of manliness!"  
  
"At the cost of the femeninity of all women, everywhere?" Tom Boy, questioned in distress.  
  
Agent S just shrugged, "You can't have an omlette without breaking a few eggs..."  
  
"How come you're not affected by your own ray?" Martial Master enquired.  
  
"These absolutely adorable flowers in our hair were exported out of the Quangxi Providence by one of our newest agents," The villiness answered, "They counteract the effects of our manliness ray, allowing us to move about unscatched."  
  
"And how exactly are you going to get us to stand here so that you'll zap us with that beam?" Martial Master challenged.  
  
"It's quite simple..." Agent S stated with a sinister grin, before putting on a more cheerful one, "Agent G-chan came up with it all by herself, isn't she so smart!"  
  
"Right... your plan?" Tom Boy reminded impatiently.  
  
"Oh, my apologies," Agent S trained the beam on our two heroes, "BY CALLING IT'S NAME OUT AS IF IT WERE A MARTIAL ARTS ATTACK!!! That way, you'll be obligated to stand there and defend against it, instead of dodging it!"  
  
Both Martial Master and Tom Boy's eyes widened in shock at such a devistating ploy.  
____________________________  
  
WILL MARTIAL MASTER AND TOM BOY FALL VICTIM TO THE 'MANLINESS-RAY-CHAN'?!? WILL THEY BE ABLE TO SAVE NERIMA FROM THE OVER-ABUNDANCE OF TESTOSTERONE?!? TUNE IN SOME PIGTAILED TIME, SAME PIGTAILED CHANNEL!!! 


	9. Going against the word of M.O.M.

When last we left our crimefighting duet...  
  
And how exactly are you going to get us to stand here so that you'll zap us with that beam?" Martial Master challenged.  
  
"It's quite simple..." Agent S stated with a sinister grin, before putting on a more cheerful one, "My maniacal plan will have you frozen to the spot!"  
  
"Wait a minute..." Tom Boy interjected, "You didn't say that last time!"  
  
Agent S blinked in confusion, "Yes I did."  
  
"No you didn't!" the sidekick argued.  
  
"Alright, young man, exactly what did I say, then?" Agent S curtly replied with irritation in her voice.  
  
Tom Boy's eye twitched at the 'young man', answered anyhow, "You said something about Agent G or B or someone coming up with it, and that she or he was very smart!"  
  
"No I didn't," Agent S argued.  
  
"Guys..." Martial Master interrupted the argument with a droll voice.  
  
"Oh, I apologise," Agent S apologised, and then mumbled under her voice, "Damn dual scripting..." She resumed her previous riteous villiness pose, and...  
  
When Last we left our crimefighting Duet...  
  
"I SHALL EXCLAIM AS IF IT WERE AN ULTIMATE MARTIAL ARTS ATTACK!!!"  
  
"HEY! THAT'S NOT... oh, forget it."  
  
Agent S aimed the weapon at our heros in dire straits.  
  
"Quick..." Martial Master whispered to his partner, "when she fires, jump in front of the beam!"  
  
"WHAT?!?" Tom Boy exclaimed, not in a whisper "ARE YOU INSANE?!?"  
  
"Oh, do please hold on a sec, I just need to caliberize this, just be patient," Agent S apologized.  
  
"Comon, Tom Boy," Martial Master urged, still ready to guard against the oncoming ray, "You're confused, anyway! This'll just help give you a firm direction on your sexuality."  
  
"I'M PERFECTLY COMFORTABLE WITH MY SEXUAL IDENTITY, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!" Martial Master couldn't help himself, as he collapsed to the ground in laughter.   
  
"M.O.M. ULTIMATE ATTACK; THE STRIKE OF MANLINESS!!!"  
  
Tom Boy stood over Martial Master with a furious expression and a blushing face, not even paying attention to the ray that passed just a couple of inches from her torso, where Martial Master would have been standing, if he were not rolling around on the ground in hysterics, that is.  
  
"Oooh, fudge! You were supposed to stand still!" Agent S pouted, holding the impotent yet large ray that at the moment stood for a twisted metaphor for penis envy.  
  
"A-HAH!" Martial Master shouted, as he jumped to his feet, "My ploy worked!"  
  
"But.. how could you have escaped such a fool-proof plan?" Agent S whined.  
  
"It was quite simple," Martial Master began to explain, "You see, I coated my stomach wi-"  
  
::SMACK::  
  
Martial Master glared at Tom Boy, as she retracted her hand, and began whistling innocently. "You see," Martial Master started again, "All I had to do was coax Tom Boy into denying her confusion that is so obvious to everyone.  
  
"He's got you there, Sugar," an okonamiyaki chef added, as she passed by, trying to swat a running wooden Native American Cigar statue with her large spatula.  
  
"Tom Boy too, too confused," a ramen delivery girl commented, as she flew overhead on her bike.  
  
"AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE IN A CAGE SOMEWHERE?" Tom Boy shouted. Martial Master's sidekick got her panting down to minimal before continuing, "And for the last time, I know what my orientation is!"  
  
"Tom Boy, we're trying to be serious now!" Martial Master admonished, after calming his snickers down, "Anyhow, the gut-wrenching laughter negated my obligation to defend against your attack,allowing me to escape unsatched."  
  
"You may have escaped my trap, but we still have you!" Agent S stated arrogantly, "AGENTS OF M.O.M. ATTACK!!!"  
  
Several women wearing porcelin masks jumped out of hiding, galvanizing Martial Master into action, as he leapt at Agent S, and totally kicked her in the HEAD!!! Tom Boy and the other agents looked on in shock, as Martial Master began to totally flip out and wail on an ax guitar.  
  
"That's it, no more realultimatepower.com for him," Tom Boy mumbled under her breath, as she looked around herself, and found several motherly type women wearing masks surrounding her, "Um, Martial Master..."  
  
"Yeah, Tom Boy?" Martial Master replied, while punching Agent K in the gut so hard the next generation would feel it...  
___________________  
  
In the Kuno mansion, Kodachi groaned, holding her stomach, as the girl she was busy seducing (and being seduced by back), sat up in concern (mainly for the fear of not getting any nookie so she could brag about it to her best buds how she scored with a rich chick. Feh, pigs...)  
  
"Damnation!" Kodachi cursed, "Someone's hit mother in the gut again!"  
___________________  
  
"I don't quite feel comfortable with hitting these, um, villains," Tom Boy gulped, as the group of women drew closer to pounce.  
  
"Just think of them as someone else's mother!" Martial Master encouraged, while pile driving another agent of M.O.M. onto the concrete.  
  
"I-it's not helping..." Tom Boy whined in nervousness, as the Agents were slowly drawing closer, yet remarkably seemed to not have gotten any closer than the last time due to cheezy attempts at prolonging suspence.  
  
"Then thing of them as the mother of someone you reallllly hate!" Martial Master swung a blowtorch around, setting aflame several agents of M.O.M.  
  
Tom Boy lightly shoved an agent back, "It's still not helping!"  
  
"Tom Boy, remember the time when you were eight, and your mother beat you for the broken vase in the hall?"  
  
"THAT WAS NABIKI'S FAULT, DAMMIT!!!" Tom Boy brought out her mallet-staff, and connected with the head of Agent M, "MOM! IT WASN'T FAIR! I WASN'T EVEN IN THE HOUSE!!!"  
  
"Good work, Tom boy!" Martial Master proclaimed, while giving the last of his opposing agents a wedgie.  
  
"AND THIS IS FOR MAKING ME WEAR THAT UGLY DRESS FOR THE FAMILY REUNION! AND THIS IS FOR MAKING ME EAT THAT NASTY ASPARAGUS! YOU REALIZE HOW MUCH I HATE ASPARAGUS?!?!?"  
  
Martial Master nodded in approval.  
___________________  
  
"I see you're still a bit confused as to what belongs here..." the zookeeper sighed in resignation, and walked off to leave the two crimefighters, the 'Mayor' of Nerima, and a few zoo visitors passing by to see what all the commotion was about to their own devices.  
  
"Nerima, Japan, and all the world thank you for bringing in the notorious M.O.M. organization, before they could fully recognize their devious plot!" the mayor congradulated, "But I must ask, how is it you were able to stave off it's ill effects?"  
  
"It's all very complicated to explain, but I shall attempt to reveal the fatal flaw in M.O.M.'s plans," Martial Master said in a somber, yet enlightened tone, "You see... their manliness ray works by sending the glands that produce the male hormone 'testosterone' into maximum production. But... my sidekick, Tom Boy, is already at maximum machoicity, which made her able to escape it's dire effects."  
  
"I didn't see much change in you, moron," Tom Boy growled in reply.  
  
"Well done, well done indeed!" the mayor of Nerima applauded, "Now, how about I show you my little corner of Nerima Park, Tom boy? I have a cozy bench you might find comfortable against bare skin..."  
  
"We forgot to turn off the ray?" Martial Master enquired to his side kick.  
  
"We forgot to turn off the ray," Tom Boy answered, keeping her right foot adjusted on the concrete-eating mayor of Nerima's head.  
  
The effects were noted once again, by the crowd of boys and girls, making catcalls and whistles at the captives of the cage, until one of them got splatted in the face with a handful of fecies.  
  
"Oh my, it was so nice of the zookeeper to supply us with sugeons gloves an a bucket of chimp fecies," Agent S stated.  
  
"Nice throw," Agent M complimented  
  
"You put a nice spin on it," added Agent D.  
___________________  
  
Many, many miles above the earth...  
  
"Ooooh, whatever's in that ray we passed over is causing my fifth stomach to do unprecidented feats of agility that it was not designated for..." A seven armed alien leaking a minty smelling gray substance from it's pours grumbled in agony, "I seem to be producing an overabundance of a masculine hormone that is upsetting my asexual balance..."  
  
"I told you, you should not have eaten the Corballian special on Xyuijmkps 9," His associate, that looked refreshingly human exept for the weird cone that was sticking through his head.   
  
But it looked so tender and make such succulent screams!"  
  
The humanoid sighed, "You can use one of my hyper-laxatives, and for ZNARKOF CHRIST'S SAKES... flush this time. Last time it took us a whole terrain military and that Riply woman to get rid of it. We still haven't patched up all the acid burns, yet..."  
  
::FLUSH::  
  
"There, is your production of alpha waves within your cranial limb elevated, now?"  
___________________  
  
Ryoga sighed. The girlfriend was pregnant, and the child wasn't his. He lost his home. His dog died. His truck's broke...  
  
The young man with fangs stopped his portable CD player, took out the CD, and chucked it away; American country music wasn't helping his mood. Ryoga was lost though, which wasn't anything new. His distorted sense of spacial relation brought about his current mood of suicidal level depression, which caused the eyes of the reader to roll around in obvious irritation for such an unoriginal introduction for Ryoga. Just to add insult to injury, Ryoga chose to follow an exeedingly overused concept of fannon and...  
  
"RANMA! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!!!"  
  
...blame it on Ranma. He also decided to blame the sudden minty-smelling rainfall that turned him into a pig on Ranma. The black symbiotic thing that fell and encased his porcine body, on the other hand...  
  
The depressed and enraged, and at rare moments, euphoric pig (who this author has been told profusely by an associate that the pig does NOT suffer from bi-polar disorder) found a kindred spirit. Something that was precariously tossed through a vacuum, unwanted and disgarded, which really upset it. With their united depression and anger, a focus came.  
  
The demonic looking baby pig's tendrils warped and thrashed violently, before settling down. With a hidious smile lined with nail-like shards for teeth, it proclaimed...  
  
"WE ARE CHITLINS! RANMA, YOU SHALL PAY!!!"  
  
Edited 7/1/2002 10:15:10 PM ET by WFROSE 


	10. Enter Chitlins

Ranma; Protecter of Nerima  
Episode 9  
'Enter Chitlins'  
  
  
Ranma quickly rushed to the phone, bodychecking Nabiki out of the way and into a wall, knocking out. By the second ring, Ranma answered the red phone with a flashing red light, but no dialpad or rotary, "Secret Dojo of Martial Master..."  
  
Akane walked by, as Ranma's face grew grim. She stopped as his jaw set, and nodded a couple of times before speaking, "Yes... I see... I understand... yes, it did seem urgent..."  
  
"What? What's happening? Something big?" Akane asked with no little exitement; she was rather beginning to enjoy her dual life, the exitement, the adventure, the pulse-pounding danger, and the reward of a job well done by the citizens of Nerima. Well, there wasn't really any rewards, but people were grateful, any...  
  
"GOOD NEWS, KASUMI. THE DOCTOR SAYS IT'S NOT CLAMYDIA, BUT YOU'LL NEED TO START DRINKING MORE APPLE JUICE FOR A COUPLE OF WEEKS AND YOU SHOULD BE OKAY..."  
  
"Why, thank you, Ranma," Kasumi thanked, as she walked out of the kitchen, "Although, you didn't need to shout, I was right in the kitchen. Oh, and Akane, I do hope you are fixing that floorboard you just broke with your face..." After lightly chiding Akane for the damage, Kasumi walked back into the kitchen.  
  
"Oh, may the Kami bless you with another four weeks of burning urination..." Akane grumbled from where her head was halfway purchased through the floor. After recovering from her faceplant, she turned an irritated glare towards Ranma, "Ranma, for crying out loud, why don't you just get a separate phone line?"  
  
"Oh, like I have seperate phone line money..." Ranma replied with a half-lidded stare. About this time, Nabiki groaned, and started to sit up.  
  
"Sorry, Nabiki, private conversation," Akane told her sister, as she retracted her foot from the once again unconcious Nabiki's forehead, "You know? Eventually, Dad, or Kasumi, or even Nabiki here will find out you're Martial Master if we don't redirect calls to somewhere else..."  
  
Ranma had to admit, his secret sidekick did have a point. The mild-mannered pigtailed martial artist pondered the point for a bit, before having an epipheny, "I GOT IT!!!"  
  
"Huh? What is it?"  
  
"WE'LL GET CAPES!!!"  
  
"WE ALREADY HAVE CAPES, YOU IDIOT!" Akane shouted, pushing herself up from the ground.  
  
"Yeah, but these will be really cool!" Ranma retorted, "Mine will be all black on the outside, with dark red lining, and it will have a red and white Yin/Yang symbol on the back. And yours can be black too!"  
  
"Yeah, whatever..." Akane retorted, "Look, I'm just gonna go get some asprin for Nabiki, you know how much of a pain she is when she wakes up with a headache, and I really don't feel like listening to her bitch again..."  
  
"Are you implying something, Akane?" Ranma asked, narrowing his eyes.  
  
"March twenty-fifth," Akane replied idly, walking to the bathroom to get to the medicine cabinet.  
  
"Huh? What about... HEY! THAT WASN'T MY FAULT!!!"  
  
Akane stopped at the medicine cabinet, and was about to retrieve the asprin for Nabiki, when she felt something soft poke up against her ankle, "Oh?" She blinked as she looked down, and squealed in delight.  
_____________________________  
  
"RANMA! LOOK WHO'S BACK!"  
  
The pigtailed adventurer groaned, as he saw Akane walk out with a familiar bundle in her arms. His expression changed to curiosity, when he noticed the difference in P-chan's appearance.  
  
"Yo, Akane, the bacon bit okay?" Ranma asked with some concern. P-Chan just flashed him a toothy smile, one that seemed a bit toothier... and sharper, than Ranma recalled it ever being, "I mean, his eyes seem bigger and distorted, and they lack pupils."  
  
"Huh?" Akane turned P-chan towards her, and examined him, "Hmm, you're right? Should I take him to the vet?"  
  
"How about a butcher shop?" Ranma leaned closer to P-chan, "Hey, Porker, it's the 'other' white meat..."  
  
P-chan leaned closer to Ranma, "We want to eat your brain."  
  
Ranma blinked, and then looked up at Akane, "You say something?"  
  
Akane was busy twitching from Ranma's remark about eating her beloved pet, so she couldn't have commented for at least six more seconds. If Akane didn't say anything, that left...  
  
"YOW!!!" Ranma pulled his head back in time, before a massive set of jaws clamped down on his face, "WHAT THE HELL?!?"  
  
"WE WANT TO DRINK YOUR BLOOD!!!" P-Chan shouted, leaping out of Akane's arms, and towards Ranma.  
  
About this time, Akane snapped out of her festering anger mode to notice P-chan now attacking a screaming Ranma, "See what you did? Now you made P-Chan upset!"  
  
"GET THIS DAMN THING AWAY FROM ME!!!" Ranma shouted, once again screaming like a little girl, as the pig chomped through the living room sofa in one bite.  
  
"Honestly," Akane said with a resigned tone, "I don't know why you insist on picking on poor P-Chan. It would be nice if the two of you could get along..."  
  
Ranma was too busy to respond, as he wa currently attempting to thrash 'Poor P-Chan' with the Tendou's family naginata. The piglet's skin sprouted tendrils that batted the halberd aside, as he would then launch to snap at Ranma for a counter attack. Ranma would in turn evade while emitting a high pitched shrill, and begin to attempt to beat the demon pig down.  
  
Akane tilted her head, watching events, "You know? P-Chan seems to be acting funny..."  
  
"YOU THINK?" Ranma shouted, as he kicked the dining room table onto the piglet, "I DON'T RECALL RYO-P-CHAN BEING ABLE TO BE MUNCH THROUGH A BUICK!!!"  
  
"We are no longer 'P-Chan'," the former P-Chan retorted, as he tried to chomp a hunk out of Ranma's torso, "for now and forever, WE ARE CHITLINS!!!"  
  
Ranma brought the weapon high above his head for a vicious strike, right before he froze. His fave cracked a crooked smile, as it attempted furiously to withold the laughter insisting on coming to the fore, "Ch-Chitlins?"  
  
"Ranma, did P-Chan just speak?" Akane enquired, now surprised by how smart her pet pig was.  
  
"Y-you..." Ranma took a deep breath to keep from laughing, "You... are a freaking demon thing capable of biting through a bus... and you name yourself... Ch-Chitlins?" Ranma was fighting a losing battle internally, now. Your easily exiteable narrator would like to mention that 'chitlins' is an abbreviation of the name 'chitterlings," which happens to be a Southern American delicacy; consisting of pig intestines soaked in vinager for at least a day or so to rid it of bacteria, and then boiled for consumation. It is one of the hallmarks of Southern cooking,, along with crawfish brains, pig feet, and the testies of a bull!  
  
"YES! WE ARE CHITLINS, AND WE WANT TO NIBBLE YOUR SPLEEN!!!" The piglet braced itself for another leap. It stopped, glaring balefully at his shivering pigtailed nemesis, as said nemesis trembled from his barely contained laughter.  
  
"Ranma, how many times have I told you, this is not a toy?" Soun scolded, as he walked by, and retrieved his family's naginata from his future son-in-law. Ranma stopped cold; suddenly, it wasn't as funny as it was when he was armed.  
  
Ranma ran, and almost instantly, was hopping from roof to roof in his attempts to get away from the mutant demon piglet. Unfortunately, said piglet was easily gaining on him, moving on ten foot long spiderlegs that potruded from its inky-black flesh. "WE WANT TO SUCK ON YOUR SPINE!!!"  
  
"Ranma! Quit picking on P-Chan!" Akane shouted from below.  
  
"AKANE! MAKE IT GO AWAY!!!!"  
  
"WE WANT TO NAW ON YOUR LEFT EAR!!!"  
  
"I wonder who taught P-chan to talk? I know I didn't..." Akane stopped and mused at the question.  
  
One of Chitlin's tendrils shot out, and wrapped around Ranma's ankles. The pigtailed young man slammed face-first onto the roof, and was lifted easily into the air.  
  
"CRAAACK THE RAAAAANNNNMA, CRAAAACK THE RAAAAAANNNNMA. OPEN HIM UUUUUP AND PEAK INSIDE. IF IT'S TANGY, WE'LL DRINK THE RED WINE, IF IT'S GAMEY, WHITE WILL BE FINE..." Chitlins sung, as he leapt from the roof, Ranma in tow, and then slammed his captive onto the street below, leaving a deep impact crater. Ranma groaned, as he picked himself out of the hole, only to have a tendril slam him in the jaw, and through a building wall.  
  
"Oh, hey, Ran-chan, long time no see!" Ukyo exclaimed, "Want your usual gluttonous servings I am finding slightly harder and harder each day to grace you with, since you only seem to take me for granted as a friend? You know? You could at least call sometimes, you jerk!"  
  
Ranma wasn't paying attention to Ukyo, as he was busy scrambling back from the grinning pig whose very shadow seemed alive.  
  
"You will never defeat us, Ranma! We're stronger and faster than you!" Chitlins then allowed several tendrils to wave around him menacingly, "And we have this nifty symbiotic costume, too!"  
  
"Ranma? Is P-chan talking?" Ukyo asked, "that's some pet pig Akane got there. I couldn't even get my parakeet to say my full name!"  
  
Chitlins flashed his pointy rows of teeth, savoring the fear radiating from Ranma. P-chan was enjoying it imensely; his life's bane would soon meet his end. Oh, how he longed for this day with a fervor he had never felt before, Ranma was the cause of all his problems, Ranma treated Akane horribly, Ranma must pay. The symbiote also hated Ranma with an intense vengence, but only for the reason that the pigtailed martial artist provided a convenient scapegoat.  
  
Ranma scrambled to his feet, and tumbled backwards over Ukyo's counter. He quickly moved behind the chef, who now found herself staring directly into the maw lined with rows and rows of razor-sharp teeth...  
_______________  
  
WILL OUR HERO IN DISGUISE MEET HIS FATE WITHIN THE BELLY OF A LITTLE PIGGY? WILL UKYO BECOME THE APPETIZER? WILL SOMEBODY TELL ME WHY I'M TYPING IN CAPS? TUNE IN SOME PIGTAILED TIME, SAME PIGTAILED CHANNEL!!! 


	11. Squeals of TERROR!

Ranma: Protecter of Nerima  
WHEN WE LAST LEFT OUR HERO...  
___________________________  
  
Ranma scrambled to his feet, and tumbled backwards over Ukyo's counter. He quickly moved behind the chef, who now found herself staring directly into the maw lined with rows and rows of razor-sharp teeth.  
  
Chitlins seethed, widening his gruesome mawl just enough to allow tendrils of saliva to drip from the top rows of his teeth. Ukyo remained frozen at the sight, staring at the miniscule beast that seemed to originate from the very depths of the most stringent of Hells. Her mouth opened, but she found herself stricken speechless.  
  
"Um, could you move out of the way, please?" Chitlins asked politely. before resuming his menacing and heavy breathing.  
  
"Oh, sure!" Ukyo chirped before she moved to the side, presenting a cowering pigtailed martial artist.  
  
"TRAITOR!" Ranma shouted, earning Ukyo's dispassionate shrug.  
  
"You know? It would be nice to hear your voice every so often. I mean, even Akane calls more often than you."  
  
"I've been busy, alright?" Ranma almost shouted, before turning to find himself staring down an impossibly deep throat of a tiny demon pig, "hey, cool! Is this like some sort of optical illusion?"  
  
Chitlins's teeth framed Ranma's face, ready to encircle and enclose like a guillotine. Ranma studied Chitlins's throat, attempting to disover if this was done by mirrors or some sort of light display, while his potential executioner savored his upcoming victory. Ranma continued to stare down the creature's throat, rubbing his chin in dumbfoundment, as Chitlins chuckled, allowing the drool coating his top row of razor sharp teeth to drip onto Ranma's scalp.  
  
"Um..." Ukyo began to enquire, "As much as I'm enjoying this rather Fruedian and highly erotic scene..." Ukyo rubbed her thighs together slightly, "Aren't you going to... you know...?" Ukyo gestured to the teeth threatening to rip the pigtailed boy's face off.  
  
Ranma turned to Ukyo, right when Chitlin's mouth shut like a steel trap. "Huh?" They both enquired, not sure what Ukyo was referring to.  
  
Ukyo shook her head, pried open Chitlins's mouth, turned Ranma's head back into position, and stepped back, "TAKE TWO!"  
  
"Hey! There it is again!" Ranma proclaimed excitedly, "Yo, Ucchan, you have to check this out!"  
  
"DAMN IT! PAY ATTENTION WHEN I'M ABOUT TO EAT YOU!" Demanded Chitlins, amazingly without closing his mouth.  
  
Ranma blinked, and sneezed, before looking up to find pepper being sprinkled onto his head, followed by parmasean cheese. Ukyo idly continued to rain down ingredients onto Ranma's head, every so often musing over which would work best.  
  
"Mediteranian?" Chitlins enquired, gathering the scents being intermingled upon his meal.  
  
"Yup!" Ukyo chirped, "Can't have anyone leaving my restuarant dissatisfied!"  
  
"Try a little olive oil, and some fresh tangerine juice," the devil-pig offered, as Ranma began to sweat nervously.  
  
"Hmm, never thought about tangerine juice," Ukyo mused, as she looked under her ingredient counter, "That actually sounds pretty good! Where did you learn about that?"  
  
"Well, I've done a little traveling, and you pick up a few things to liven up campfire meals," Chitlins replied, casually.  
  
"You know? Why don't we spice it up with some saffron and surmac instead?" Ukyo suggested.  
  
"Oh? Sounds more Persian."  
  
"You got it, sugar!"  
  
"YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE GIVING HIM IDEAS!!!" Ranma shouted down the pig's throat.  
  
"Hee hee, that tickles!" Chitlin giggled.  
  
"Oh, darn," Ukyo sighed, "I think I have some surmac in the supply cabinet... does anyone smell bacon?"  
  
Chitlins blinked, and sniffed the air, "As a matter of fact, I do, isn't your pork okonomiyaki night ThursdaYYYOOWWWCCCCHHHHH!!!!!"  
  
Ranma looked up through the hole in the roof of Ucchans, and decided it was best to skedadle while his luck was still good. Ukyo stared at the pigtailed boy retreating, and sighed, before pulling out a bag of Beggan Strips (TM).  
  
"Note, add roof repair bill to Ranma's running tab..." With that, Ukyo began chewing on one of her snacks, while cleaning the grill she had turned off a good while ago to begin cleaning...  
___________________________  
::A NAKED RON JEREMY STRIDES ACROSS THE SCREEN HOLDING A MARTIAL MASTER LOGO OVER HIS HEAD TO SIGNIFY SCENE CHANGE::  
___________________________  
  
The pigtailed boy raced across the Nerima rooftops, with a vengeful piggy on his tail. Never had the hero in disguise ever met with a foe so tenatious, so vindictive, so sinister, so devious, so... so...  
  
"WE WANT TO SLURP YOUR BILE!  
  
Elliquent.  
  
Ranma dodged another flailed tentacle, once again thanking the Kami for not making it rain, turning her into a girl, and changing this into a truely twisted (yet sexually gratifying in some primal manner) ordeal. Yup Mutant pigs with symbiotes attached to them capable of chomping through concrete was as twisted as things need to be.  
  
Once again, he was forced to evade an overhead swipe by lunging to the side, only to have a tendril poke through the rooftop in front of his face with a needle fine tip. Without pause, Ranma scrambled to his feet, and leapt down to ground level.  
  
"NOTHING TO SEE HERE, FOLKS! GO ON ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS," Chitlins stated to the disturbed couple, in which the husband found the tentacle that had been plunged through the ground from behind the house, up through the bed... between his legs, and up through the roof to where Ranma's head had been guestimated to land.  
  
"ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT, I'LL GET THE VASECTEMY!" The woman next to him seemed rather happy at the announcement.  
___________________________  
  
Ranma slammed the metal door tight, and ran behind several slabs of beef to hide; maybe if he stayed inconspicuous, and pretended to be a frozen slab of beef, Chitlins would go away.  
  
"WE KNOW YOU'RE HERE, RANMA, WE WANT TO LICK YOUR BALLS!"  
  
"Ew..."  
  
"HA! WE COULD SENSE YOU!" Chitlins cried out, flailing a tendril into the closest slab of beef, causing it to collide with the next one, and so forth, until the one Ranma was behind knocked him through the wall.  
  
Ranma found himself on his back, after being knocked from the scene that was shamelessly ripped off from Todd McFarline, as the demon pig strided out of the hole in the brick wall, "WE SHALL USE THE TOP OF YOUR SKULL FOR A PUDDING BOWL!"  
  
"Ah," was all Ranma could say, not finding a way out of his fate.  
  
"Son, what are you doing back so soon?"  
  
Both Chitlins and Ranma blinked, and looked up to find Soun sitting at the tearoom table, reading the evening paper.  
  
"Uh..." was all Ranma could say, as he pointed back to the massive meat locker that was apparently adjacent to the kitchen and tearoom.  
  
Soun shrugged, before returning to read his paper, "You know Kasumi, she likes to keep well stocked. Plus that meat locker's rather convenient to have in case of a tornado!"  
  
"Ah, that's really interesting, Mr. Tendou," Ranma replied, "Now, maybe you can give me some assistance FOR THIS THING KNAWING ON MY LEG?!??!"  
  
The Tendou patriarch looked down at Ranma's right thigh, finding a little black piglet biting onto it with a titanium grip. "WHAAAAAAAAA!!!!! RANMA SHOUTED AT ME!!!"  
  
"Oh, gods, will you just grow up?" Ranma dry-toned, before blinking, and finding Chitlins writhing in agony. Just then, as a matter of quick contrivement because the narrator wants to wrap this up and go play some more Soul Calibur 2, Ranma came to a realization.  
  
"THAT'S IT! Sonics are Chitlin's weakness!"  
  
"WILL YOU SHUT UP?" Chitlins demanded, forming one tendril into a mallet, and pummeling Soun nearly to oblivion, which was ajascent to Elm St.  
  
Utilizing the uncanny intellect of his alter-ego, Ranma quickly pulled out a foghorn, and aimed it at the deadly porcine.  
  
"AAAAHHHHH!!!! STOP IT!" Flailing wildly, Chitlins managed to knock away the noisemaker, earning temporary respite.  
  
Ranma would not let go of his newfound advantage, as he quickly pulled out a wailing infant.  
  
"NO MORE! WE CAN'T TAKE IT!" Chitlins quickly nailed the infant with the mallet, sending it giggling and flying through the roof.  
  
"NOW THAT'S JUST WRONG!!!" Ranma shouted, pulling out another infant, "hit it square in the chest, that way the force is distributed enough so that it gains an even trajectory!" Ranma demonstrated the proper technique for baby-malleting.  
  
"Ah, I think I understand," Chitlins replied, forming another mallet.  
  
"Good!" Ranma set a row of babies out for the demon pig, "Remember, practice may not make perfect, but it does make permenant!"  
  
"I'll remember that!" Chitlins positioned himself next to the first smiling baby, taking slow practice swings, before winding up, and...  
  
"Hey... wait a minute..."  
  
Chitlins took off after the pigtailed martial artist, who had a sound lead on him all two meters to the back yard. The demon pig came to a stop, as he found himself confronted by not Ranma, but Martial Master, and a bitch'n sound system.  
  
"Your evil plague shall end now," Martial Master declared, before pressing the button that would unleash Chitlin's perishment.  
  
Under the onslaught of American Idol contestants that even Paula Abdul had to admit were God awfully horrendous, Chitlins fell, as the symbiote melted from P-Chan...  
___________________________  
  
"Once again, the district of Nerima thanks you for your efforts, Martial Master," The emperor of Japan, formerly the Mayor of Nerima, congradulated, before walking off.  
  
"It's best for him, Tomboy," Martial master declared, staring at the zoo-cage.  
  
"I guess," Tomboy said in a resigned tone, "I can't have P-Chan running around if he's biting people. At least we didn't have to put him to sleep."  
  
"That's the spirit, old chum!" Martial Master consoled, "Come on, I'll buy you a hero's sundae!"  
  
At that, Tom Boy perked up, before considering something, "Do you think this is the last we'll ever see of P-Chan?"  
  
Martial Master's eyes narrowed, "I don't think so, Tom Boy..." The superheroe then turned to point to the zoo-cage, "We can come see him whenever we want, see... where'd he go?"  
  
On the other side of the cage, several school boys were laughing and pointing at the animal in the cage, before receiving a facefull of defeication.  
  
The Emperor of Nerima sighed in satisfaction, as he used his hankercheif to wipe his hands clean, while walking back out of the bent bars that Chitlins left in the wake of his escape.  
___________________________  
___________________________  
  
Next: The Hentai 


	12. The hentai

Ranma: Protecter of Nerima  
"What this is is madness!" The first man in the lab coat exclaimed to his collegue.  
  
The scientist opposing him snorted, "It's progress! my latest creation will bring a new era to humanity that will remain uprecidented for possibly centuries to come! Imagine, wars ceasing to be a thing of the past. Famine and disease becoming non-existant! Poverty no longer being an issue!"  
  
The first man raised an eyebrow, and held up a small cloth of cotton, and spread it out to reveal a pair of panties, "How in the Hell are these supposed to solve all those problems?"  
  
"Those are all quite simply tragedies that have arisen from unfemenine women!" the first man stated, factually, before taking the panties from his collegue.  
  
"You really are a chauvenist, you know that?"  
  
"Heh, say what you like, but my patented femeninity-enhancing panties have already gone into mass production. By tomorrow, every store will be carrying them, from adult novelty stores, to baby boutiques. They WILL be the hot item for the upcoming XMas season, before spreading worldwide, thus bringing about a new world utopia!"  
  
"You've been sniffing the potent chemicals again, haven't you?"  
  
The second scientist ignored the barb, "All these special panties have been created with my patented chemical compound that will make even the most homely and butch girl seem to be the prime of her gender! No man would be able to resist her! No longer will lonely women take their fustrations out on man by subtly manipulating the world for their own benefit and spite!"  
  
"Look, why don't you just call him back, I'm sure it was all a mis-understanding when he called you an overbearing, sexless, unruly bitch. Maybe it was just a term of endearment?"  
  
The woman glared at the man, before shaking her irritation off, "That is of no consequence."  
  
"But do you realize what you invite upon us? The dangers that will be unleashed?"  
  
The woman scoffed, "If you're concerned about the 'supposed' great demon of Nerima, do not be. I have taken the precautions for securing the production facility for this night only!" She postured dramatically, with a smug countenance, "Not only have I quadrupled out number of severely incompotent guardsmen, raising their already exessive number of one to four, but I have taken the liberties of contacting the very protecter of Nerima himself!"  
  
"The Nerima police force?"  
  
"No, dumbass, Martial Master!"  
  
"I wasn't even talking about that, anyways," the first scientist said with a resigned tone, "I mean there's a reason most guys don't want to procreate with ugly women! Do you WANT them to breed? There's a good reason for natural selection, you know..?"  
_________________________  
  
"In this line of duty, we must always be aware of our limits, and meet to exel them," Martial Master stated solumnly to Tom boy, as they looked over the edge of the roof of the rather tall sky scraper.  
  
Tom Boy stepped back, nervously from the edge, "Ah, what does this have to do with my training?"  
  
Martial Master didn't seem to hear the question, "If we are to protect those ignorant masses below us, we must put aside our fears. For then, our true power shall be unleashed against those that oppress us."  
  
"Who oppresses us? You're not training me to get rid of my fear of heights, are you?" Tom Boy asked, sceptically, particularly since she didn't have an unhealthy fear of heights.  
  
Martial Master adjusted the dark sunglasses that were currently replacing his mask, "They may not appreciate us at all times, they may even fear us, but throughtout all this, you must remember one important thing..."  
  
"Which is?" Tom Boy asked, engrossed with the solumn and stirring speech the pigtailed superhero gave her.  
  
Martial Master looked towards his sidekick intensely; his eyes burning from behind his shade, as the trenchcoat he wore to replace his cape billowed in the wind, "There is no spoon."  
  
Tom Boy blinked, "What the hell is that supposed to MEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNnnnnnnnnn*."  
  
Martial Master looked down at the plunging sidekick with a pensive frown, as his arm was still extended from pushing her off the roof. He finally broke out of his slight disapporintment to reassurer his partner in justice, "Don't worry! Nobodie's ever pass the jump progra on their first try!"  
  
At that moment, Ranma looked to the sky, finding his logo reflecting off of some convenient clouds. "There's dastardliness, amiss. Tom Boy, we have an obligation to perform! Let us be off!"  
  
"Why don't you step closer to the ledge, and I'll show you what it's like to be 'off', Tom Boy growled, tenatiously clinging to the side of the building.  
___________________________  
  
Silently, Martial Master landed upon the steel roof framing of the industrial building, kneeling and wrapping his cape around himself ominously. Tom Boy landed next to him, and blinked.  
  
"Uh, Ranm... Martial Master, what are you doing?"  
  
Martial Master looked up at his sidekick, and began to feel slightly self-concious, "Uh, you don't like my posturing?"  
  
Tom Boy tilted her head, "Actually, it looks pretty cool! I just wanted to know why you were doing it."  
  
"Heh, to look cool!" the valiant martial artist replied in a dark and gritty tone.  
  
"Jerk..."  
  
"What's that for?" Martial Master turned to look at his cohort with an irritated expression, causing the blank white slits in his mask he had for eyes to narrow in that really cool superhero way.  
  
"Because you're showing off! Can't you just grow up?"  
  
"I don't wanna grow up-"  
  
"You sing that damn jingle one more time, and I WILL not hesitate to kill you," Tom Boy warned.  
  
Instead of testing her resolve, Ranma became easily distracted, as he spotted a very suspicious individual, "YOU THERE!!!"  
  
The man in the red-rocket helmet, who was currently traversing across a narrow, railless walkway that spanned across two vats of hazardous chemicals , baulked when he noticed he had been spotted "NO! I was paid to do this! I'm just an out of work comediaaaaaaaaannnnnnnn*"  
  
::SPLASH::  
  
Martial Master and Tomboy stared at the man flailing within the vat of chemicals, screaming as if they were burning his body inside out, while his skin began to turn a pasty white.  
  
"Gee, what was that all about?" Tom Boy enquired. Martial Master shrugged.  
  
"I just wanted to ask him if he had seen anyone suspicious around..."  
  
"Anyways, Martial Master, why are we here? You get a tip off about industrial espionage?"  
  
Martial Master shook his head.  
  
"Eco-terrorist intending to blow this place sky-high?"  
  
Martial Master shook his head again.  
  
"Uh, then what is this all about?"  
  
Martial Master's eyes narrowed in that really cool way again, "Money."  
  
"Money?" Tom Boy stared, confused, until her expression changed to one of non-plussed, "Someone paid for us to be here?" The sidekick turned to the man in flailing around in the chemical vat, laughing like an insane madman, "WOULD YOU SHUT UP? YOU'RE NOT EVEN PART OF THIS STORY!"  
  
Martial Master nodded enthuesiastically, "Yup! Easiest cash I've ever made!"  
  
"So what's my cut?" Tom Boy demanded, placing her fists on her hips in a rather boyish...  
  
::SMACK!!!::  
  
...ouch... rather femenine manner.  
  
Tom Boy lowered her hand from backhanding the narrator that had been standing over her shoulder, "Well?"  
  
Martial Master returned her glare, "Drycleaning for that outfit doesn't come cheap, you know?"  
  
Tom Boy began to pout, as Martial Master surveyed the numerous vats of chemicals and women's panties, "He's here."  
  
"Who's here?"  
  
Martial Master pointed ahead, to a miniscule being, carrying a large sack over its shoulders.  
  
"Happosai? We're here to take on Happosai?" Tom Boy said, incredulously, before wrapping her arms across her chest, "I just remembered, I have a LOT of homework to do, wish you lu-"  
  
"Nu-uh," Martial master grabbed Tom Boy by the cape, before she could escape.  
  
"Sweeto!" Happosai had indeed caught wind of the expiramental panties, developed particularly to enhance the femeninity of women everywhere. He was awed at the ingenuity of the idea, but felt such a blessed creation could never suffer such a mundane fate as to be simple undergarments for homely and desperate members of the fairer sex.  
  
"HAPPOSAI! YOUR NEFARIOUS DEEDS COME TO AN END NOW!"  
  
"WHAT?" Happosai looked up, to find Nerima's resident crime-fighting duo charging forth. Martial Master pulled out his martial master-ang, and launched it at a security camera, before leaping up, and snap kicking another one to pieces.  
  
"Uh, What the Hell are you doing?" Both Tom Boy and Happosai enquired.  
  
Martial Master paused, "Dunno, but it's sure a Hell of a lot of fun!" Both Tom Boy and Happosai looked at each other, shrugged, and joined in. Martial Master's sidekick swung her mallet-staff around with uncanny skill, rendering any security camera that was within her range to so much crushed components, as Happosai demolished several with precise lobs of his Happo-fire bursts.  
  
Once the final camera had been destroyed, Martial Master landed to face Happosai, with his cape wrapped around him, and hunched over like some looming dark specter, "Now, it's time to finish this."  
  
Happosai stood up from smoking his pipe, and put it away, "Agreed... what are we fighting for, anyways?"  
  
"Killing time," Martial Master retorted, menacingly.  
  
"Sorry, but I don't have much to kill!" Happosai quickly gathered his sack of femenine garments, and lept to make a break for it, "Thanks for the swell time, sonny! We have to do it again some-urk!"  
  
Happosai hovered for several moments, as his face seemed implanted in the head of Tom Boy's mallet staff. "Exellent work, Tom Boy!" Martial Master congradulated, earning Tom Boy's smile of satisfaction.  
  
The elderly martial artist slid from the weapon, and plunged face-first into a vat of enhanced panties. "Ew... remind me never to buy whatever brand these are," Tom Boy stated with disgust.  
  
Martial Master looked down in remorse at the life he could not save, wishing there was more he could have done to spare the old man such a tragic fate, "Hey, Tom Boy, you hungry?"  
  
At the notion of food, both turned to leave, failing to notice the pasty white hand, no the other pasty white hand. NOT THE LEFT HAND OF THE OTHER GUY, YOU MORON! THE ONE REACHING OUT FROM THE VAT OF PANTIES! Yes, that one! Boy, you guys are so easily confused.  
  
The hand suddenly dunked back into the vat of panties, and resurfaced with a bomb, before lobbing it at the chemical vat, seven vats down that contained the hysterically laughing idiot with green hair, and red lipstick.  
  
"WOULD YOU SHUT UP OVER THERE? YOU'RE GIVING ME A HEADACHE!" The owner of the hand that just threw the bomb shouted out, just before the explosion sounded... 


	13. Acts of PERVERSITY!

Ranma; Protector of Nerima  
  
Episode 12  
  
'Acts of Perversity!'  
  
"You set me up, Jack," The man in the shadows growled, as unseen eyes glared at the man in the robe.  
  
The man in the robe blinked, and took a swig from his glass of brandy, "We need to stop."  
  
"..." said the man in the shadows, before adding, "..."  
  
"You know all the shit going around nowadays about plagiarism in fanfics. Just think of all the flack we'll catch for this!"  
  
"..." the man in the shadows replied, and then continued, "What the hell are you talking about?"  
  
The other man pointed towards the camera they were being filmed through, "How about we switch to a scene of more relevance to this story?"  
  
________________________  
  
MARTIAL MASTER INSIGNIA COMMITS RITUAL SUICIDE TO SIGNIFY SCENE CHANGE  
  
________________________  
  
"Ranma?" Akane asked, as she approached the redhead who was chuckling wildly, as she pet her box...  
  
::WHAP!!!::  
  
"Ranma, are you listening to me?" Akane enquired, as she retracted her hand from backslapping the narrator for using a tired ass joke for the second time.  
  
"I just have fourteen more yen to go, and then it shall be mine!" Ranma-chan crowed, resting her hand on her.... um... temporary intable. "Soon, oh so soon, I can begin my campaign of citywide domination!"  
  
"Oh, I'm so glad you have your lifetime goals in order," Akane dry-toned, after finally dropping her hand from a ready-bitchslap position, and passing a withering glance at the narrator. "By the way, Ranma, I've been meaning to ask you..."  
  
"IMPUDENT WELP," Ranma bellowed in Akane's face, leaning towards the other girl from her somewhat comfortable stick furniture she purchased from a U.S. military surplus store, "Mut imph m u aunt?"  
  
"What? I couldn't understand what you just said, let me remove my fist from your mouth," Akane jerked her fist away, as Ranma realigned her jaw.  
  
"What is it you want?"  
  
"Why is that black guy following us around all the time, talking in that annoying loud voice while describing everything we do as Martial Master and... Tom Boy from those script papers?"  
  
"He needed a hobby," Ranma replied idly.  
  
"Ranma, sandpaper-dry prude bitch, come quickly!"  
  
At the call of Kasumi's urgent voice, both Ranma and Akane quickly leapt from the roof of the Tendou home, and rushed into the house. Well, Akane rushed, Ranma limped, forgetting the flowerless rose bush that Kasumi had planted a few days ago.  
  
They both came to the tearoom to find Kasumi, Nabiki, Soun, and Genma in front of the TV...  
  
"[...as been robbed completely of their product, which had just finally been given the go ahead for release, after rigorous testing to ensure public safety. The expiramental women's undergarments..."  
  
Ranma-chan dumped a kettle over her head, and then rubbed his chin thoughtfully, "Hmm, I don't get it..."  
  
"Don't get what, Ranma?" Akane asked, pretty sure she knew that Happosai had survived his tragic accident. Maybe they shoulda made sure he fell into a deeper vat.  
  
"Why did you call us in here to see this?" Ranma asked, glaring suspiciously at Kasumi.  
  
The eldest Tendou daughter wrung her hair nervously, "Well, Ranma-kun. You, um, you aren't very discreet, I mean, and I.. that is.."  
  
"Um... what my daughter means to say... is that... *ahem*... well the peculiar costumes in your closet, and the sliding poles... those are quite fun, by tye way... Well... they just give us the notion that... you two just... may be..."  
  
"Interested in dealing with these... things..." Kasumi finished, not meeting her man eye to eye. "It's rather obvious of you two and your... alternative lives..."  
  
"Quite right!" Soun added, nodding avidly.  
  
"What's this about alternative lives?" Genma enquired in a demanding tone, "RANMA! Don't tell me you're visiting those gay bars again!"  
  
"HEY!" Ranma screamed, eyeing Kasumi and Akane fearfully, before leaning towards his father and whispering, "We agreed we would never mention that again... Cowboy Bob..."  
  
"Didn't Daddy already give you the 'New Ranma' speech, Akane?" Nabiki enquired in a bored tone, still watching the TV. Kasumi and Soun gave Nabiki and Genma hooded gazes, respectively.  
  
________________________  
  
DISEMBOWLED MARTIAL MASTER INSIGNIA CRAWLS ACROSS THE SCREEN TO SIGNIFY A SCENE CHANGE  
  
________________________  
  
Tom Boy looked through the cockpit of the vehicle she was riding in, while Martial Master drove. She then looked at all the nifty and cool looking buttons on the dashboard, "Wow, the Martial Mastermobile looks awesome!"  
  
Martial Master's white, triangle eyes narrowed, "Thank you, I picked it myself."  
  
"Where did you get it?"   
  
"You know that ominous looking garage just outside of Nerima. The one with the guy that rices up vehicles with insane gagets and such?"  
  
"Oh, yeah, I know the guy!" Tom Boy exclaimed.  
  
"I stole it from him."  
  
Tom Boy's enteusiasm halted abruptely, "Stole it?"  
  
"Yup, then spray-painted it this nifty red and black. It was Lunar silver."  
  
Tom Boy's face began to frown, "You stole it, then vandalized it?"  
  
Martial Master's head nodded in that really cool sinister looking way.  
  
"Come to think of it, exactly *when* did you get your liscense? Kasumi vowed that he would never let you near the driver's side of the car after the first ten minutes she attempted to teach you..."  
  
"I don't need no stinking liscense."  
  
The Martial Mastermobile rushed down Tokyo Highway with it's high-velocity thruster in full blast, plowing other cars out of the way that weren't quick enough to veer to the side in safety, as Tom Boy desperately pounded on the cockpit style window of the cap in a futile plea for rescue.  
  
________________________  
  
Martial Master and Tom Boy arrived amidst downtown Nerima, bearing witness to the awesome chaos ensuing. Everywhere, people were running in panic, running in terror, you know, the type of stuff freaked out crowds tend to do.  
  
"SOMEBODY HELP ME! I CAN'T STOP FLASHING MY PANTIES!!!" one girl screamed desperately, as she ran up to various men, lifting her skirt for good view.  
  
"Oh dear, someone should help that girl!" one young man exclaimed, taking pictures.  
  
"It's such a shame!" another boy cried out in horror, as he tilted his head to the side to get a better look.  
  
"I CAN'T STOP THESE URGES!!" another girl screamed out, grabbing anybody or anything close enough, and licking them in the ear.  
  
"MY BUTTOX KEEPS TENSING UP! MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP!!!"  
  
"SOMEBODY, SPANK ME BEFORE I GO MAD!!!"  
  
"SOMEBODY MAKE THE GYRATING GO AWAY!!!"  
  
"I THINK THERE'S A GOOSE IN MY PANTIES!!!"  
  
"HORNINESS TICKLES!!!"  
  
Martial Master and Tom Boy looked at each other in shock. "This isn't another orgy convention, is it?" Tom Boy enquired, her expression growing distasteful.  
  
Martial Master's eyes narrowed, as he wrapped his cape tightly around himself, "No. That's during the month of May. Something's wrong."  
  
"Right-o, my boy!"  
  
Martial Master and Tom Boy turned to look up at the nearby light pole, finding the light too bright to see who owned the voice."  
  
"Could you come down from there, we can't see you," Tom Boy asked, politely, while shielding her eyes.  
  
"Well, drat, there goes my dramatic entrance!" A figure dropped from the top of the light, landing before the crimefighting duo.  
  
"Who?" Tom Boy pointed at the diminuative man with a wide grin plastered across his pasty white face, with red hair encircling his crown.  
  
Martial Master narrowed his eyes, as he answered his sidekick's question, and announced their latest villian in a cool and dark voice, "Bozo the Clown."  
  
Martial Master's head snapped back, as he was uppercut with a smoking pipe. "Show some respect, you little puke!" The villian of the moment, possibly Martial Master's greatest challenge yet, demanded. With his mad grin, he turned and looked at the anarchy beyond them.  
  
"I have to thank you, Martial Master. If it weren't for you, I would never have been able to make this happen!"  
  
Tom Boy glared at Martial Master. "HEY! IT'S NOT MY FAULT!" Martial Master defended himself at his sidekicks silent accusation, "Wait a minute, how is it my fault?"  
  
"You remember last night? The man you let fall into the vats in that textile factory?" The sinister midget grinned, "This is what I became as result of that tragic accident."  
  
Martial Master's triangular eyes widened into full circles in shocked realization, and pointed at the short man, "YOU! You're the man with that phallic looking helmet!"  
  
Tom Boy interjected, "Actually, I think that was supposed to be a red rocket helmet."  
  
"Whatever," Martial Master replied, "To me, it lookes like a large head of a pe-"  
  
"BACK ON TRACK, YOU TWO!" The midget demanded, "No, the OTHER guy you dropped in the vats! You two had a busy night last night, didn'tja?"  
  
Tom Boy and Martial Master looked around with chagrinned expressions.  
  
"When you dropped me in that vat of femenine enhancing panties, the chemicals they were laced with interacted with my battle aura. It altered me into what I am now... but something else happened..."  
  
"What? What?" Both Martial Master and Tom Boy demanded earnestly, as they sat in theator seats, munching on popcorn.  
  
"The panties and bras in that vat became altered as well," the villian continued in a malicious tone, "Now, anyone who dawns the the chemically enhanced garments that have come in contact with my battle aura will not be able to stop their perverted actions! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!"  
  
"You SICK fiend!" Martial Master exclaimed, picking for the left over popcorn through the abundance of unpopped kernels, "Tom Boy, really, you were supposed to leave these in the microwave for FIVE minutes!"  
  
"I WAS PRESSED FOR TIME!"  
  
"ENOUGH!" The red-headed midget stood to his full two feet, "IT IS TIME THAT YOU RUE THE DAY YOU CROSSED PATHS WITH... THE HENTAI!!! HAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!!!"  
  
WILL MARTIAL MASTER AND TOM BOY BE ABLE TO OVERCOME THE NEFARIOUS HENTAI? WILL THEY TRIUMPH, OR BE FORCED TO UNSPEAKABLE ACTS OF PERVERSITY?  
  
::WHAP!!::  
  
"For ONCE, could you NOT shout like that?" Tom Boy demanded.  
  
"Do you have a bra and pantie set in baige?"  
  
The narrator and Tom Boy turned wary glances towards Martial Master.  
  
"They're for Kasumi!" After his defense, he turned to look away innocently...  
  
TUNE IN-  
  
::WHAP!!!::  
  
"Don't make me use my mallet-staff next time!"  
  
Tune in some Martial Master time, some Martial Master Channel! There, happy? It just lost all it's dynamic energy when I say it quietly.  
  
Tom Boy shrugged, "I guess." 


	14. Jones'n with THE HENTAI!

Ranma: Protector of Nerima  
  
"You won't get away with this!" Tom Boy rightously proclaimed, as she pointed her finger at Martial Master. She then blinked, smiled chagrinned, and pointed at the Hentai.  
  
"Oh yeah?" the Hentai proclaimed, smugly defiant with his arms crossed, "Who's gonna stop me?" He then tilted his head in ponderance, "Now that you mention it, why would you want to stop me?"  
  
"Well, I... why don't you say something, Martial Master?"  
  
The leader of the crimefighting duo stopped posturing with the baige panties over his pelvis, "Na, you're doing just fine, Tom boy..."  
  
"For Kasumi my snow white ass..." Tom Boy mumbled, and said out loud, "I'm pretty sure Kasumi will love seeing those on you. And baige doesn't go with red hair."  
  
"They're not for my girlform, they- waitasec!"  
  
"Already incriminated, you pigtailed fairy," the Hentai snorted, "Can we get back to my diabolical plot, now?"  
  
"Actually, why should we stop you?" Martial Master reiterated, narrowing those neat looking triangular eyes in confusion.  
  
Tom Boy stared at him incredulously, "You can't be serious!"  
  
Martial Master shrugged, "But it's funny!" To emphesize his point, he pointed to a man running around and screaming hysterically, as he dragged woman behind him who held on tenatiously to his hips, while knawing on his butt-cheeks like an oversized peach.  
  
Tom Boy immidiately ceased her snickering, "This is serious!"  
  
"And you're SUPPOSED to stop me" the Hentai growled out in irritation, "Really, what's the point in being a diabolical villian if you don't have an advisary to attempt to thwart you?"  
  
"I understand your point," Martial Master acknowledged, before flapping his cape behind him, and going into stance. Tom Boy's short hair waved in the wind, as she brought her mallet staff to bear.  
  
"AWK!" Ranma cried out, as the wind seemed to have gotten stronger, caught his cape, and dragged him backwards by the neck. Tom Boy rolled her eyes, and got ready to face off against the Hentai.  
  
"Let's wait for him to get back," the villain suggested, smoking his pipe peacefully.  
  
The wind had changed direction, dragging the crimefighter back towards the two. A random girl had straddled his la, gyrating wildly, as he fought valiantly to rid himself of his 'passenger'. "GET OFF!" Martial Master demanded, "Kasumi's gonna be pissed if I come back too tired to perform tonight!"  
  
Tom Boy looked back at the Hentai with a pleading expression, "Do we have to?"  
  
"WHEEEE! This is more fun than the log ride at Disney Tokyo!" the girl proclaimed.  
  
"That was just laden with innuendo," the Hentai mused, quite pleased with his work.  
  
"I prefer the term 'Fruedian'," Tom Boy commented, feeling a headache coming on, "Can we get on with this? The sooner we're done here, the sooner I can get him out of public..."  
  
"So be it!" The Hentai replied, agitated that his show was being interrupted, "Okay, where was I? Oh yes... I shall never allow you and... Martial... Master..."  
  
Tom Boy noticed the way the Hentai's gaze was diverting, and followed it... straight to Martial Master riding on the back of the girl that was earlier riding him, swinging a lasso around as he wore an oversized novelty foam cowboy hat.  
  
Tom Boy and the Hentai looked at each other, and replied in unison, "Mood's ruined..."  
  
_____________________________  
  
::MARTIAL MASTER LOGO GIVES MR. TENDOU A LAP DANCE, SIGNIFYING A SCENE CHANGE::  
  
_____________________________  
  
Ranma sat in front of the large moniter, staring impassively at the data as it scrolled upwards. Akane entered the lair of the Martial Master and his faithful sidekick, Tom Boy, and stopped, as she came to view the large sixty inch flatscreen plasma moniter, complimented by a kick-ass high-tech Star-Trek looking mainframe.  
  
"R-Ranma... Where the hell did you get thi-" Akane paused, recalling the 'Martial Master Mobile' situation, "Forget it, I don't want to know..."  
  
Ranma seemed oblivious to her concern of having incriminating knowledge that might get her in trouble, "It's Kasumi's, she order it from Dell a couple of weeks ago. It's even got a DVD burner!"  
  
"Really? Plus, Minus, or both?" Akane asked, sitting in the second plush chair in front of the three foot long keyboard.  
  
"Minus only, it's easier on DVD player lenses."  
  
"Where did Kasumi get the money for this?"  
  
Ranma turned to look at Akane with a confused, 'don't you already know?' glance. He turned back to the data being processed, before speaking, "You know those frequent shipments from Paraguay that Kasumi gets?"  
  
"Yes?" Akane replied, not seeing what this has to do with anything.  
  
"And you know how she's been waiting for us at school every day, saying she's there to walk us home? Ever noticed how she always seemed to have people trying to hand her money desperately?"  
  
Akane shrugged, "So, she's selling her body again?"  
  
Ranma shook his head, "She has too much dignity for that. Besides, that's Nabiki's territory."  
  
"Then where in the world is she getting the money for this... we have an OC3 line?"  
  
Ranma nodded, "Remember how every so often, when Kasumi's walking us home, she takes us on weird routes, and when she sees someone in particular, she points and tells us to beat the shit out of them, because the bitches owe her money?"  
  
"..."  
  
At the silence, Ranma presumed that Akane got the picture, "Anyways, I was analyzing the molecular properties of the panties I bought from the Hentai."  
  
"Sugoi!" Akane exclaimed, "Kasumi's computer has a molecular analyzer?"  
  
"No, I'm using the DVD burner, it's impressive how versitile this thing is," Ranma commented, before backfisting Akane out of her chair, "And there will be no gratuitous Japanese in this fic."  
  
Akane got up, too dazed to beat the holy Hell out of Ranma, "But what about 'the Hentai'?"  
  
Ranma backfisted Akane again, while still reading the error messages on the screen, "Please do not point out such contradictions."  
  
Akane got back up, highly irritated, "You hit me ONE more time..."  
  
Ranma backfisted her once again, "No backtalk from you."  
  
Ranma narrowed his eyes. What was the Hentai's game? This was a type of foe that Martial Master had never encountered before, as his motives and actions were totally random and perverted. It would take all of deductive skills to deduce the supervillain's plan, lest all of Nerima be doomed. Of course, he could always ask the Hentai at their rescheduled confrontation, which was supposed to be in a couple of hours.  
  
"RAAAAANNNNNNMMMMMAAAAAAAa!!!!!" Akane growled, as her body was bathed in an evil violet corona of battle aura, giving her the appearance of a vengeful demon.  
  
Ranma backfisted Akane, while frowning at the computer suddenly rebooting by itself. He blinked, and turned to look at the unconcious girl behind him. "Whoops, sorry, accident," the pigtailed boy apologised sheepishly, as he began to wave the smoke eminating from the flaming DVD burner from his face.  
  
_____________________________  
  
::MARTIAL MASTER LOGO GOES ON A BLOODY RAMPAGE WITH SEMI-AUTOMATIC WEAPONS AT A FAST-FOOD RESTUARANT, SIGNIFYING A SCENE CHANGE::_____________________________  
  
"Oh! Ranma, *sniffsniff*, Akane!" Kasumi greeted, quickly wiping the fine white powder from her upper lip, "I didn't realize you were home!"  
  
"Oh, that's okay you crackwhore," Akane commented, "We need to be somewhere in a few moments anyhow."  
  
"Oh, that's nice, you imitation manwhore," Kasumi returned, smiling.  
  
Akane blinked, before turning to Ranma, "You know? This DOES explain why she's always smiling..."  
  
"No time," Ranma interjected, "TO THE MARTIAL MASTER SECRET DOJO!!!"  
  
"Uh... Ranma?" Akane subtly pointed to Kasumi, who was still smiling.  
  
"Oh yeah..." Ranma leaned over to Akane's ear."  
  
"TO THE MARTIAL MASTER SECRET DOJO!!!"  
  
Akane pile drove him through the floorboards. After Ranma recovered, they both raced to the emergency poles, and slid down to their destinies.  
  
_____________________________  
  
::MARTIAL MASTER LOGO WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGISE FOR THE FOLLOWING SIGNAL OF A SCENE CHANGE. IT WAS TASTELESS AND IT WAS NOT APPROPRIATE DURING THESE TURBULANT TIMES... TO SIGNIFY A SCENE CHANGE:_____________________________  
  
"Right on schedule!" the Hentai congradulated, "Would you like some tea and cinimon crackers?"  
  
Martial Master narrowed his eyes, as Tom Boy stood behind him with her arms crossed. "No thanks," the heroic crimefighter replied in a gruff voice, "We ate before we came."  
  
"Good, good! It wouldn't be much of a fight if you didn't have the energy for it!" The Hentai kicked away the table of snacks, and pulled out his pipe, "So then, shall we get this show on the road?"  
  
Martial Master and Tom Boy leapt into the fray.  
  
_____________________________  
  
Due to budget cuts, economic recession, slave labor in South America, and the author's overbearing laziness, this fight scene has been cut to simply acknowledging that Martial Master and Tom Boy got SERIOUSLY throttled....  
  
_____________________________  
  
"We should have accepted the snacks," Tom Boy groaned, as she woke back to conciousness. As she came to, she noticed a slight chilling sensation. "ACK! WHAT AM I WEARING?!?"  
  
At her outburst, Martial Master stirred, and found his gaze upon Tom Boy, wearing only her mask, a bra, and panties. He looked down at himself, and found that he was wearing all the same.  
  
"Nice of the two of you to wake up!"  
  
Both Martial Master and Tom Boy looked up to find the Hentai staring down at them within the large metal bowl they were bound in.  
  
"What is the meaning of this?" Martial Master demanded, fidgeting with his bindings.  
  
"Heh, you fell into my trap, you moralistic do-gooders!" the Hentai cackled, "I shall ruin your reputations, and once I do so, you will never show your face here in Nerima again! AND I WILL BE FREE TO DO AS I PLEASE!"  
  
"Believe me, you couldn't embarrass Martial Master any more than he does himself," Tom Boy retorted, defiantly.  
  
"Yeah!" Martial Master added, before thinking, "HEY!!!"  
  
"Oh, but I bet I can," the villain said in a sinister voice, "For you see, those undergarments you both are wearing, they are those special garments, yet currently untouched by my battle aura!"  
  
Martial Master blinked, and stared at Akane, "Now that you mention it, she does look a bit more feminine; a little more shapely."  
  
Tom Boy looked down at herself, "Really? Maybe it's this pushup bra..."  
  
"Can I tell you of the feindish fate I have in store for you, or are you going to continue commentating on practical fashion?"  
  
"Sorry, carry on," Martial Master urged.  
  
"Now, I shall unleash my battle aura, thus tainting those silky darlings you now don!"  
  
"That would mean..." Tom Boy started, beginning to fear.  
  
"But me and Tom Boy are the only ones in here!" Martial Master replied, beginning to panic, "KASUMI'S GONNA KILL ME!!!"  
  
"MUAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!! I see you now understand your peril!" With that, the Hentai unleashed his powerful aura. As it came in contact with Martial Master and Tom Boy, they could feel their urges kicking into overdrive, as they stared wide-eyed at each other....  
  
_____________________________  
  
WILL MARTIAL MASTER AND TOM BOY BE ABLE TO DEFEND AGAINST THE FIENDISH AND DEVIOUS HENTAI'S TRAP? OR WILL THEY HAVE NO CHOICE TO GO AT IT LIKE RAPID RABITS IN HEAT AGAINST A THIRTEEN YEAR OLD JAPANESE SCHOOLGIRL'S LEG?!?! TUNE IN SOME MARTIAL MASTER TIME, SAME MARTIAL MASTER CHANNEL!  
  
"Ah, could it be some time sooner than 'sometime'?" Martial Master enquired, "These panties are beginning to chaff."  
  
"Maybe you should use some baby lotion," Tom Boy helpfully supplied.  
  
Martial Master shook his head, "Na, stuff drys out my skin. On the other hand, I heard bacon grease..." 


	15. The Hentai Martial Master's Greatest Nem...

'Ranma: Protecter of Nerima'  
  
WHEN LAST WE LEFT OUR HEROS...  
  
"Oh shut the hell up, we don't need a recap!" The Hentai demanded, stuffing a pair of panties into the narrator's mouth. The man gagged, before his eyes lit up, and he removed the undergament from his throat. After a moment's contemplation, the narrator but them back into his mouth, and walked away, sucking happily on the chemical tainted fabric.  
  
The pasty faced villian cackled. The two do-gooders had been trapped in his nefarious... uh... trap, for ten minutes! Pinching his nose in preparation for the obnoxious smell that could only been originated by both a sweaty man and woman in the midst of something that usually involved at least an enchinida, an oil based salad dressing, and a pair and a half of stiletto heeled shoes, the evil baddy person opened the plastic lid that was covering the massive tupperware bowl they were encased in. In triumph, the Hentai reeled back to roar in triumph at the sound of-  
  
"Go Fish."  
  
"I thought we were playing gin," Martial Master replied, confused.  
  
The Hentai baulked, shocked at the sight of decency before him, "Bu... bu... how...?"  
  
"How, indeed," Martial Master retorted with a haughty countenance, "How did we do what?"  
  
"I think he's referring to why we aren't all over each other like fresh live eels in warm garlic butter." Tom Boy explained, helpfully, "You going to play your hand, or what?"  
  
"Isn't that poker?"  
  
"Yes, that's EXACTLY what you're supposed to be doing!" the Hentai demanded, "So WHY aren't you doing it? My sinister trap was fool-proof!"  
  
"That would mean it just wouldn't let fools in," Tom Boy supplied."  
  
"Just explain how come the two of you aren't naked and sweaty by now so we can ge on with our damn lives?" the miniscule wretch of society pleaded; he had to go get his hair redyed in an hour.  
  
"Your nefarious trap, while clever and... well... nefarious, had one fatal flaw..."  
  
"Yes, I suspect that, since THE TWO OF YOU AREN'T SCREWING EACH OTHER'S BRAINS OUT!"  
  
martial Master dug the earwax from his ear, before pointing at Tom Boy, "Your devious plot would never work, FOR I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO SEXUAL ATTRACTION FOR TOM BOY WHATSOEVER!"  
  
"And this jerk is about as attractive as an ingrown toenail," Tom Boy added, nodding firmly.  
  
"CURSES! I thought I had you two!" the Hentai growled, "No matter, for I... I... just what the hell is your problem?"  
  
Martial Master lifted his head to look at the Hentai's face, "Oh, sorry... are you wearing a cod piece or something under there?"  
  
The Hentai baulked, and jumped away, "That's none of your damn business, you little freak!"  
  
"Aw, come on, I'll buy you dinner and a movie first!"  
  
"Hmm," Tom Boy mused, now leaning over the top of th bowl, "Now that you mention it, he is kind of cute... in a well endowed midget cicus clown type way..."  
  
"If the two of you are done?" The Hentai grumbled, blushing from the compliment. He regained his composure, and flared his battle aura to life, "You may have foiled my trap, but you will not thwart my plans!"  
  
"Oh shoot, Tom Boy!" martial mastar baulked, "HE HAD A PLAN!"  
  
"How dastardly of him!"  
  
The villian of the story quietly and quickly retallied the two do gooders' accumilated IQ, before continuing, "As the two of you were contained, my precious tainted panties should be all over Japan by now!"  
  
Martial Master and Tom Boy's eyes widened in realization. "Wow, all in ten minutes?" Tom Boy replied, shocked.  
  
"Wow,I wish Venus Videos had that type of distribution!" Martial Master mumbled.  
  
Martial Master Mumbled. Martial Master Mumbled. Marshalmastermumum... damn, Martialmastermumbledmartialmasterbat... almost...  
  
"CUT IT OUT!!!" The Hentai, Tom Boy, and Martial Master shouted. The narrator pouted, and walked off sucking on his pair of panties.  
  
"Ah-HA!" Martial Master spoke up, "Though your network of evil lingerie may be in place, there's just one... fatal... flaw in your plans!"  
  
"Which would be? And can you quickly explain this, I want to get to the fight scene."  
  
Martial Mastar cracked his nuckles, while Tom Boy brandished her mallet staff, "If we beat you within an inch of your life, you can't produce a battle aura!"  
  
The Hentai mused on that, and then fell down laughing.  
  
The heroic duo blinked in unison, before they both frowned. Tom Boy folded her arms together, and tapped her toe against the ground impatiently, while the pigtailed crimefighter ground his teeth.  
  
"Can I kick him while he's like this?" Martial Master asked.  
  
"No, it wouldn't be heroic or something," Tom Boy responded, rather disappointed herself.  
  
"You sure?" Martial Master enquired after fifteen minutes. Rubbing the bridge of her nose, Tom Boy nodded.  
  
"How about now?""  
  
"Look, Ranma," Tom Boy snapped, "At this moment, I don't care anymore. Kick him all you want, kick the hell out of him for all I care. Me? I'm going home, and hope this idiot dies by laughing himself to axphixiation. I'll see you later!"  
  
"Jeez, what's gotten up you ass?"  
  
"I'm tired, I'm sexually fustrated from being exposed to hormonally stimulating chemicals and being trapped in a TUPPERWARE CONTAINER with YOU of all people! Hells, I would have taken my own SISTER over you! And I'm SICK of hearing you ask if you can kick the laughing idiot every thirty seconds!"  
  
"How about if I just nudge him with my foot?"  
  
"Bye, Ranma."  
  
Martial Master looked between his current nemesis and Tom Boy. With a sigh, he chose to follow his sidekick home, "Are you sure it'll be okay if we leave him like that?"  
  
"You know? We never did do something about the panty distribution," Ranma stated factually, as his head continued to bob up and down.  
  
"That's right, Nabiki, keep jumping on the damn trampoline for Auntie Akane... what was that again, Ranma?"  
  
"He.."  
  
::boing::  
  
"Said something about..."  
  
::boing::  
  
"Panty distribution."  
  
::boing::  
  
"Oh," Akane replied, before turning to watch her sister on the small trampoline, "Didn't I tell you to put on the WHITE socks before jumping on the trampoline?"  
  
"Oh well, I guess we'll just take care of it another episode," the pigtailed martial artist stated, "Just as well, although it ended rather anti-climatic."  
  
"Well, that's because the author had been sitting on this chapter for months, before coming back to it, and forgetting where he was going to go with it in the first place, therefore FUBARing the introduction of what was supposadly to be one of your greatest of nemesi... that's it, jump HIGHER for Auntie Akane, Nabiki!" Nabiki whimpered, but did as she was told.  
  
"That would be like him, damn 'Older'..."  
  
"Look on the bright side, I'm sure we haven't seen the last of the Hentai."  
  
"Yeah," Ranma admitted, "But, what are we going to do for filler, now? This episode's been pretty thin."  
  
"Well, Nabiki's being pretty entertaini-"  
  
"HOLD IT, YOU LITTLE PUKES!!!"  
  
Ranma and Akane looked up, surprised to find the Hentai standing upon the fence walls. "Hmm, what an unexpected and totally out of the blue surprise..."  
  
"You didn't DO anything to me!" The angry, shortchanged villian shouted. "Was that a short joke?"  
  
No  
  
"You're making fun of my height, aren't you?"  
  
Quit talking to me, please.  
  
"How about you keep your trap shut, before I stuff another pair of panties down your throat?"  
  
No thanks, I'm still working on this pair.  
  
"... Anyways..." the Hentai turned back to Ranma and Akane.  
  
"Wait a second..." Ranma interjected, before he and Akane went to the dojo.  
  
So, how's the weather down south?  
  
"You're a real riot, little puke..."  
  
"Okay, back," Martial Master announced, walking out of the dojo with Tom Boy.  
  
"MARTIAL MASTER AND TOM BOY!" Nabiki exclaimed, "Where did you two come from?"  
  
"Who said you can stop jumping on the damn trampoline?" Tom Boy enquired.  
  
"Sorry."  
  
::boing::  
  
"Now, before you so RUDELY took off..."  
  
"Sorry," both Tom Boy and Martial Master apologised in unison.  
  
"I was going to unleash the full fury of my battle aura, therefore activating every single one of my precious darlings all over the city! and each one they come in contact with will set the next dormant pair off, thus the beginnings of a chain reaction that will bring all of Japan to the ULTIMATE level of perversion! And there's NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO STOP ME! BWUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!!"  
  
"Egads, you FIEND!" Martial Master baulked before musing, "You know? That's probably the most ambitious any of our villians have been, yet. You win the 'most dangerous villian' award."  
  
"Thank you, it's an honor." The Hentai grinned ferally, "Now, witness YOUR FAILURE!!!" And with that, the diminuative evildoer unleashed the catalyst to his dastardly plan.  
  
WILL MARTIAL MASTER AND TOM BOY FIND A WAY TO THWART THE SINISTER HENTAI, OR WILL THEY BE LEFT AFLOAT IN A SEA OF PERVERSION NOT SEEN SINCE THE TWENTIETH ANNIVERSARY OF THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW? TUNE IN SOME-"  
  
"HAPPO-GO-EN-SHIATSU!!!"  
  
"Hi, Ms. Ninomiya." Tom Boy greeted. Martial Master waved.  
  
"Hello, the two of you aren't being delinquents, are you?" The volumptuous substitute teacher enquired, brushing out her hair and kicking the dry, withered shell of a supervillian that had just floated down to her feet to the side.  
  
"Nope, everything's just peachy keen," Martial Master responded, "But aren't you a little cold?"  
  
Hinako looked down at her nude form, "Looks that way, these dears are hard as erasors." With that, she walked back into the Tendou home, fully recharged, and ready for round two with the Tendou Patriarch.  
  
"Hmm, there's been enough innuendo in this segment to rival the average chapter of Ranma the Amorous Oversexed Nympho," Martial Master mused.  
  
Tom Boy scrunched her face up, "That's two cross-fic references, I think it's time we wrapped this up."  
  
"AAAAAANNNNNNNDDDDD HOW!" Martial Master replied with a jovial smile, putting an arm around Tom Boy's back 


	16. Internet Highway HORROR!

Ranma: Protecter of Nerima 

Monseur Pierre le Gouswague por Weevil von Gurrere on la Riviere by the Portside (Represent, Niggas!) clapped the finely ground, high grade (only the bestest, biatches! Let the Portside REPRESENT!) flour from his hands, satisfied at a day's honest, and prize winning work (PORTSIDE!). His bakery and eatery were one of the best culinary establishments in Nerima, allowing him to become one of the acclaimed "Good Eat'n consortium'. True, the word is used out of connotation, and the 'good eat'n' doesn't exactly establish a certain panache towards the members' expertize, but they all decided they liked the name just the same. As he turned off the main lights, leaving the display lights in the store window on, Monsuer Pierrehisnameistoodamnlongtheauthorshouldshortenit retired to his upstairs loft that resided above his grand establishment. As much as he adored his trade; the delicious scents that kept him company, the smiles in adults and children alike that indulged in his art, the... invigorating vapors he could inhale from freshly opened whipped cream spray containers, he could only contend with it so much of his day. When the lights went out, and the closed sign greeted potential customers, it was Pierre's time to escape.

"Oh hoh, my radiant vision of mystic and romance," Pierre cooed, sitting before the only other resident in his room, "You look lovely in your gossimer white stockings, I bought you those, did I not? I believe it was in Champaign, five month ago, non'?" He affectionately pet the undergaments, savoring their delicate feel, "these are beautiful, truly a gift befitting you..."

He brushed them out of the way, allowing him to type in his password, and waited irritatingly through the slow loading resource hog of an internet browser, "Though, in retrospect, perhaps it was to be more prudent to buy you zee RAM, que?" Sighing at his lack of foresight, the pastry chef logged into his email, delighting at the four links of contact that granted him a sembalance of a social life (Hey, pastry chefs don't get out much, alright? PORTSSSIIIIIIDE!). On a cursory glance, one particular caught his eye, "Oooh? What is zis...?" He opened it, finding a link. Without any sense of foreboding, caution, or concern of his password getting stolen through a trojan virus download, he clicked on the link.

* * *

"And you say you found him like this?" Martial Master enquired, staring at the overweight pastry chef with a cliche French mustache, wearing nothing but his boxers and chef's hat.

"Martial Master, for the eighteenth time, he said YES!" Tom Boy shouted, wishing she could get on with the investigation so she wasn't staring at an overweight pastry chef.

Martial Master glared at his sidekick, I mean really glared, like the kind of glare you don't like getting because you can't just flip the other person off, a mother's glare. No, wait, a sinister anti-hero glare! "I wanted to hear it from him directly, with his own voice."

Tom Boy bowed her head in exasperation, "He's mute, he can't speak, but he can nod like he has for the LAST TWENTY TIMES YOU'VE ASKED!"

Martial Master narrowed his eyes, glaring at the police inspector, "I don't like it, you know muteness is the first symptom of miming." Martial master pulled out a tongue depressor from his nifty utulity belt that he had just recently restocked at the clinic Kasumi goes to for her private and confedential screenings, "He better talk... or else..."

"Perhaps I can speak for him, no need to traumatize the poor man."

Martial Master stood upright, placing back the tongue depressor, "That'll suffice, for now." The crimefighter threw the chief inspector a harsh glare, yeah, that glare, the kind you give the author for getting redundant, "But I'll be watching you

"There were no breakins, no scuffles, nothing that attested to violence of some sort. We only found out about it when one of his regular gluttenous customers cried that he hadn't opened, and it was four minutes past."

"I see, that is dire," the pigtailed crusader nodded, while Tom Boy checked her watch, she had cartoons to watch, and this was her alternate Saturday off from school.

The secondary inspector nodded, before handing over a piece of paper, "Our SWAT team found this web page on the screen. Please, be careful, for we lost three good men in obtaining this."

"Waitaminute," Tom Boy interjected, "You lost three men, from a SWAT Team which was already overkill, to an investigation of a non-violent death?"

The secondary inspector shook his head, and sighed, "Yes, it was quite messy. You see, one fell down the stairs, breaking his neck in the process, the second one wandered off somewhere, we haven't seen him since..."

* * *

MARTIAL MASTER INSIGNIA WAITING IN LINE FOR HIS XBOX 360, EVEN THOUGH IT'S ALREADY PAID OFF FOR THE PREMIUM VERSION AND HE WILL GET IT WITHOUT WAITING ANYHOW...since he doesn't suspect the author will update this fic until it comes out... WHILE THE SCENE CHANGES

* * *

A man in heavy yet mobile police issue kevlar armor lowered his assault rifle and battle mace, before blinking, and ripping off his goggle and mask, "WHERE THE HELL AM I NOW?"

* * *

MARTIAL MASTER INSIGNIA IS... ewwww... WHILE THE SCENE CHANGES

* * *

"So, you really think it's just a natural weather cycle that's causing the sudden flux or hurricane activity in the United States?" Tom Boy, asked, squatting on her heels and listening to the conversation, raptly.

"Yes, not only that, it's affecting other weather patterns, such as the tornadoes in the midwest US, the melting of the polar icecaps is increasing, and hairy men are shedding a lot more." The secondary inspector elaborated, as he sipped on a cup of mocha

"Hmph, whell I still say it's the effect of global warming, which as it continues to increase, it will develope more and more powerful hurricanes until we are once again visited by the fabled 'Supercanes' of the Pangea era. That reminds me, Akane, have you read 'Burning Sky' Yet?"

"Not yet, is it any good?"

"Well, it'sSHIT! WE'RE ON!"

Martial Master quickly moved back into position, with Tom Boy standing right next to him, the secondary inspector quickly tosses away his cup of mocha, and dusted his jacket off. The primary inspector straightened his lapels, while stuffing his go-go gadget helicopter back into his hat, as Martial Master quickly brought Tom Boy back to the correct side of him.

"Our third man," the secondary inspector began in an eerily low voice, barely managed to get this before he succombed to its horror." He handed the paper over to the crime fighters, before bringing the brim of his hat over his face to shadow his expression for dramatic effect, "We suspect fowl play was involved."

"Fowl play? I thought the guy was into pastry, not poultry."

"Hold that thought," The police inspector interjected, before continuing, "Folks please donate to your favorite charity in support of the victims of Hurricane Katrina, as the author, and many others including readers have felt the effects, or had good friends that fell victim to it's devestation. Also give your prayers to those who may fall in the terrible mercy of Hurricane Rita, and wish their welfare."

All bowed their heads in silent reverie.

"Well, that was a buzzkill," Tom Boy quipped somberly, "Did that really need to be inserted?"

"Yes, well, be on with you, you know you're not supposed to be at a crime scene..." With that the secondary inspector turned away, barking insepid orders at his underlings to savor the rush of power

Martial Master nodded at his dismissal, "Let us away Tom Boy, there is crimesolving to be done!" With that, Martial Master lept away, rather gay-like, in a very flaming way.

Tom Boy blinked, before turning to the primary inspector, who pulled out a cigerette, lit it, and began leaning against a low wall next to him. Only there was no cigerette, no lighter, and not even a damn wall. Tom Boy surrupticiously scuttled away, deciding it was none of her damn business, no matter how creepy that was.

1

* * *

MARTIAL MASTER INSIGNIA POURS OUT A BEER FOR HIS HOMIES ON DA PORTSIDE WHILE THE SCENE CHANGES (isn't the portside a naval ship term)

* * *

Martial Master sat at the helm of the Martial Master computer, tapping his index fingers together in concertation. He scrunched up his chin, before typing in the command once more... and narrowed his eyes "HEY, AKANE! IT'S NOT WORKING!"

"I swear, if you're trying to install that damn Half-Life 2 patch again, I'm..." Akane mumbled, before walking into the Martial Master Dojo. She looked at the screen, and sighed, "I told you, Ran-Er, Martial Master, you type in 'TRACERT', not 'PING'!"

"I always get those confused," The pigtailed crimefighter mumbled, as his sidekick input the command and the web address. They both watched as it traced all the routes connecting their point to the website's origins. When it finally stopped, Martial Master nodded, "I see, this tells me... "

"Like I said, absolutely nothing, exept that this route went through Dallas, Novascotia, and... Pluto, what the hell?"

Martial Master sighed, "Ah well, a dead end, at least I can check my email!"

"Whatever, I'm going back to my cartoons," Akane commented, before starting out the dojo.

"Hey! Sweet! A weblink!"

Akane paused, before her eyes went wide. Turning around, she saw the web address hyperlinked, big as day across the screen...

'http/ ualuealuealeuale. ytmnd. com/'

"MARTIAL MASTER, NO!" Akane leapt, just as the crimefighter moved his mouse cursor over the link, and his finger descended on the right mouse button...

* * *

WILL AKANE REACH MARTIAL MASTER IN TIME? OR WILL WHAT'S BEHIND THE DIRE URL BE REVEALED? TUNE IN SAME MARTIAL MASTER TIME, SAME MARTIAL MASTER CHANNEL. AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T CHECK THAT LINK! IT'S TOO EVIL! TOO HEINOUS! UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD YOU REMOVE THE SPACES AND POST THE LINK INTO A WEB BROWSER! 


End file.
